Rookywriters Book Reviews

No. 23 Bad Girl's Philosophy

Introduction

*Book title and author - Bad Girl's Philosophy By Wingsanddreams
Genre - Romance tragedy

*First Impression - Title... The title is strong and catchy but it is quite tricky to grasp because it is not perfectly in tune with the story line. I am thinking what is the connection with Bad girls philosophy and a victim of human trafficking?

Blurb... the blurb/book description you've written is separated into three parts. The 2nd and 3rd part are not catchy at first read. Since readers do not know who exactly is the 'she' yet. I suggest you remove that part.

*Weakness - Fast paced writing, too much soliloquising of the main character. It feels like the character is making a sarcastic joke out of the very important things in her life, maybe except her father.

*Improvement - The transitioning from one scene to the next was fast. It was as if the characters are not breathing, especially Clara. I get she is strong been a boxer and all, but she is human, they get tired and weak sometimes. From chapter 1 to 3 there was literally no breathing space for Clara.

*Strength - You have a good story telling voice which is captivating.

Body

*Opening - First paragraph of first chapter says:

Snow is lazily outside, and this winter wonderland makes me want to make a snowman. I know its kiddish but I want to play in snow with my boyfriend but he is too drunk and maybe just too aggressive to do that.

So this was the first paragraph.

There is more telling than showing here.

I understand you adding a bit of humor to the not so happy situation and there is nothing wrong with her wanting to play with the snow. But really, Clara?

First, there are no emotions to this opening. From the blurb, a reader may develop some sympathetic feelings towards Clara, then reading this paragraph changes the perception of the story. I will suggest add more emotions to the situation.

Second, the setting to this scene is lacking. Is Clara looking out the window? If so which part of the house is she in? Also a brief intro into what happened with her, and her family? What country is she in? When did she get there? Why was she sold? What year is the story taking place?

This little information helps shape up the first chapter.

*Conflict - From the summary, we are told she will surely take her revenge. So probably, she has forgotten or that part is still upcoming.

*Plot - For the first ten chapters the plot evolves around Clara and back to Clara. By chapter 11 she was left with options which neither was beneficial to her or the plot. Then she meets Savas again. Then the whole evolving begins again. The same dialogues, in similar situation and what not.

Well, I would have love to read more about Stefan. What is his story? Where is he coming from? Is he still doing the human trafficking business? This could take readers away from Clara for a while and help push the story forward.

*Settings - Introduce the locations and weather conditions at the beginning of a chapter.

*Characterization - Like I said earlier, the character Clara seemed to add sarcasm to almost all her thoughts, actions and words and it made the whole situation she was in, not serious. It felt like she was actually having fun instead of making plans and kicking ass and escaping and looking for her parents and sister.

The boyfriend/abuser guy Stefan also lacks background development. Normally there should be a thin line between being a 'boyfriend' and a 'trafficker'. Since he is 'both' to Clara, then there should be an emotional struggle for him at certain times of the day. Does he really really love Clara or is he acting out of pity? Either he is dealing with drugs, or having some illegal deal gone bad or something external that triggers him off.

Things like this give the story a balance, in terms of character build.

Also these guys do not have a proper physical description.

*Dialogue - Dialogue tags are lacking in some chapters. When talking use dialogue tags to show how the characters are feeling, their facial expressions and gestures.

*Point of view - The first person point of view suited the story. It was Clara talking all the way. Sometimes its interesting to add story narration from time to time using your own unique writer's voice.

*Show versus Tell - There was more telling than showing in most of the chapters. Somewhere in chapter 1 says,

By the way, its illegal boxing taking place in the most condemned area of the city. One can find all kinds of thieves and burglars here. We have diversity of culprits here.

This is telling.

Now read this...

As the taxi pulled over in the street. Strange faces of hard criminals stared back at me. Jones avenue was the worst street in town. Any one living here was practically termed a criminal. I ignored those red eyes and paid the driver who zoomed off immediately. He would be wondering what a pretty girl like me is doing in Jones avenue.

I made my way to the garage behind the large boxing hall. There were street savages - teenage boys, skin darkened from too much hustling- hoarding cocaine and other hard drugs on the hallway. I was never tempted to buy those piece of garbage. I believed in my natural strength. When I fight, I fight to win.

I here Isla's voice in the hallway and I walked up to her.

Here is my uncut version... may not be perfect but this is showing. Learn the difference.

*Format of the text - Text was readable. Paragraphing was properly done.

*Grammar and spelling - Grammar is good. There was little punctuation errors like adding full stop and commas where appropriate.

*Style - Well, let's see chapter 11.

Guess what.

I will be sleeping on this park bench, tonight, because unfortunately Isla preponed the weekend match to today. I denied to go for boxing and he gave me two options. Option one; Stefan threw me out of the house if I don't go and option two, I go for boxing and he allows me to stay at his apartment.

(Is that word supposed to be postponed?)

On one hand, this is writing spiced with a good writing voice, on the other hand there is no style to it. It is more gripping when a writer pens words in his own way. This helps to create uniqueness in your writing. Also learn to add emotions to your writing it puts readers in a mood which encourages them to keep reading.

Conclusion

Comment - You have a good story going on. There is no need delaying the actions of Clara/Savas or Clara/Stefan. Its not a mystery/thriller story. Get the characters to work and let the ship/ships sail or sink the wrong ship already. Its 11 chapters now. If you keep going around with the story, you might get a block somewhere. So keep going!

Thanks for letting me evaluate your book.

Any comments or questions about any confusion just PM me or hit the comments.