Breathing In

Chapter // Fifteen

I wake up Luke's arm wrapped around my stomach with my hands holding onto him. I widen my eyes, and push Lukes arm off of me as I leap out of the bed. Luke makes a tired noise as I look for my clothes. I start searching through the clothes laying on the floor while Luke starts waking up. "Is everything okay?" Luke says. I look up at him and see his eyes still closed as he stretches his arms out over his head. "Oh shit!" I say in a quiet voice with my hand on my forehead. I breakdown on the floor next to the bed as tears start falling from my eyes. When Luke hears me he rolls off the bed as fast as possible and sits on the floor next to me. I lose control and start balling my eyes out.

"What's wrong, Alex?" Luke says with as much energy as possible. He just woke up, and his eyes are hardly open, but he tries. "Was I always like this? As far as I know, I'm dating Hunter, and I just woke up in your bed! I don't even know who I am anymore.. I know we didn't do anything, but that was wrong." I bury my head into my hands to try to hold back a few of the tears.

Luke's POV

This wasn't wrong. God I can't believe her mom would do something like this to her! I know my mom told me to just go with it for now while she's still recovering, but how can I just let her sit here thinking she's a horrible person? This is wrong. She's right, but not right about the right thing. This is the closest I've gotten to her and she feels horrible. I don't know what to say to her.. I can't tell her that she fell in love with me, and she shouldn't feel bad for last night.

"You're not like that.. You were never like that, and you'll never be like that. Don't even think like that, because that's not you." I say to her. I want to wrap my arms around her, but I can tell she wants to keep her distance. It's so frustrating not being able to do anything about this.. Maybe I could? I want to tell her I love her so much, but maybe now isn't the right time.. "Don't you get it? I'm a whore! That is who I am and last night was proof! I don't deserve Hunter, and I definitely don't deserve you." Alex stands up off the ground as she spots her clothes laying folded on my nightstand. Tears are still falling off her face, but now she looks more angry at herself. After she gets dressed she practically starts running towards the door. I push myself off the ground and make my way to the door before her.

"What?! You can't convince me that me staying here was alright! I have a boyfriend that is really good to me and I repay him by staying the night in your bed?! Who am I?!" Alex says with bloodshot eyes. I try to hold her back, but she starts to punch me. They're weak, but the idea of her wanting to hurt me hurts more than the punches. Before I know it tears are pouring out of my eyes, making my grip on her shoulders weaker. She's giving me a look I've never seen before, and I wish she had never given me. it looks resentful, and worn out. She looks almost as frustrated as me, stuck inside confusion. I let go of her, for the second time and watch her leave me.

The last time I let her get away this easily she got into a car crash and lost her memory. Just like the last time, this is my fault. It's my fault the accident happened, and it's my fault for last night. She runs out of the door, letting her tears fall out. I slowly walk out of my room, seeing Michael sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and wide eyes. He looks over at me and sees my pain. I fall against my door, and the tears start rushing down my cheek.

Alex's POV

I run out of the apartment complex with tears pouring out and into the snow. I look up at the sky and see snowflakes falling. It's even colder than I remember from last night. My tears feel like they'll freeze before they reach my jawline. I run in the direction that I remember coming here from. I remember a few of the dead trees, and the shapes of some houses. I ignore all of the faces I'm getting from a few people walking their dogs, and just keep running. I'm so disgusted in myself right now, I just want to his away from everyone and try to feel less ashamed.

Everything about last night seemed...familiar, but it wasn't right of me. How could I do something like this to Hunter? What would my mom think of me? I'm such a horrible person I can feel it in the bottom of my stomach. I can feel the hatred I feel towards myself rise and I almost puke. I keep running, and the further I go, the more snow that gets into my shoes. I don't notice it as much because of my thoughts, but it's still cold.

I don't remember how I acted before the hospital, but I hoped I wasn't a whore. I know now that I must have been. Hunter has done nothing to me that deserves this. I don't remember much of anything about Hunter, but my mom makes it clear that we were inseparable. It doesn't really seem that way now, but I'm sure that's just because of the accident and everything that came from it. Things will be different soon, but before I could even let things get better I had to just go on and step on everything he's been trying to do for me.

He's been working so hard to make everything right again, and I pull this. If I didn't feel so damn comfortable around Luke this wouldn't have happened. Or would it have? I don't know what to think of myself right now. I don't know how I acted before everything all went down that I don't even know if I would have stayed the night with another guy while I was in a relationship with Hunter.

I couldn't have been like this if I ended up with someone like Hunter, though. He's nice and all, and he's not the type that would go for the whore. He's up tight and dresses like the boys that I used to go to church with when I was younger. Everything about my life is confusing, considering the fact that I only remember certain parts of it.

I remember a few childhood memories after my mom showed me some pictures and explained to me some of the stuff that happened then, but only select moments.

I run through the park, and make my way past the same spot I met up with Luke last night.

I walk up to the car with weak legs. Everything about me seemed weak right now. Luke's been waiting in his car for about ten minutes now, waiting for me to leave my house. He was sitting in the park parking lot by himself, I felt bad for making him wait, but I knew he understood.

I stop running when I look over at the parking lot and start to remember. I close my eyes and try to concentrate. Something starts coming to mind, and I try so hard to push it out.

I open the car door and stare forward. I don't make eye contact, I can't do it. The man puts his arm on my back, and the smallest sign of compassion makes my eyes start to water, and all of my body parts turn to jello.

I try to remember the person I was with in the car, but nobody comes to mind. I realize my tears have stopped falling as I take a moment and try to calm down. I start walking back towards my house when I see Hunter's car parked outside of my house. It makes my stomach turn, and me want to turn back and run back into the park.

(a/n: this is carver!! Hope you guys liked this chapter! It's kinda short but eh. follow my ig @fallinforluke if you liked this!)