Love Lisoo

I had to..

Our story, Our song Pt 2.
Lisa's POV, sorry if it's bad. :')
Italics are Lisa's thoughts.

. . .

- Lisa's POV -

I was laying in my bed, it's been years yet here I am still thinking about the day I lost you, the day I left you, my one true love, Kim Jisoo, I-I miss you...

It was midnight and I was on my my bed using my phone and I was scrolling through the posts on Twitter, I stopped on one specific post and there I saw a familiar person, the person I missed the most. I clicked on the post hesitantly as it was captioned with the words "True love is the worst game ever and this beautiful girl was a victim to fall and play in it" My heart was racing rapidly and I saw it was a video, I quickly grabbed my headphones, my heart wouldn't stop beating, It felt like as if I couldn't breath anymore, my fast beating heart beats overtook the sounds of my own thoughts until finally I decided to press play.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, it was you standing on stage, singing. Singing a song with such deep meaning. A song that spoke our memories, our whole story, worst of, all my regretful mistakes. That angelic voice of yours was singing with so much sorrow and pain, I gave you those feelings, didn't I? I regret it, you don't know how much I do. I wish I could get you back, but it was too late. The pain was already done. I love your voice, I always loved to hear you sing when you showered, I felt like I was in heaven hearing your voice. I kept listening to the song you sang, I broke down in tears when I heard the same exact you said to me that one specific night "Go ahead and break my heart again." I broke down more and threw my phone against the wall, I cried because the memories of that night, I remember them so clearly. I hit you so hard, I regret it so freaking much. You don't know how much I regretted hitting you, how much I regretted never answering you, how much I regretted leaving you to suffer alone all those nights and years..

My Love, My Chichu, I never cheated on you like you had thought. I never would of dared to cheat on you, but I had to do it, I had to make you think I was. You thought I cheated on you with Sorn, but I had to make you think I was so you can hate me and I could have a reason to leave you. Sorn and Me? No, it was never like that between us, she was helping me, she was helping me with my problems..

I was diagnosed with IED, or Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I knew something was wrong with me and I had to find out, I always got angry with you, I always hurt you, and I regret it. I wanted to be next to you, by your side. I wanted to live together, adopt pets together, cuddle, kiss, start a family, all I wanted was you, but I knew with this Illness I couldn't do any of that, the results would always end the same, me hurting you physically some type of way, it would of never changed if I had stayed. I knew I had to leave you, it was for the best, especially for you.

(AN: IED is an illness that causes episodes to a person and causes out of proportion bursts of anger. It causes many things. It happens every less than 30 minutes, the impacts are throwing objects, abuse to another, and etc.)

That night I left you was the biggest decision I will always regret in my life, the night I left you I wanted to die, that night I had no reason to live anymore, that night I lost the reason why I continued to live, that night was the worst day of my life. I knew if I had told you about my problem you would of said "We'll get through this together, I'll be here to help you, I'll be okay, I can take the blows, My Lili." I didn't want that, I didn't want you to live through pain, I didn't want to be the reason you were in pain, I didn't want that. I would of rather die than let you live through pain because of me.

Jisoo, I had to leave, I didn't want to, but I knew I had to. To give you a better life, to give you a better future, those nights of me always ignoring you, answering blandly, not letting you come over, they were because I didn't want you to be close to me, I didn't want to hurt you AGAIN like I always did, thinking about it haunted me and it made me suffer worse. I hate myself so much for doing all those things to you, I can't think of anything or anybody else, but you and only you.. These years of me without you were empty, you still have my heart in your hands, that will never changed, I will always love you no matter what, I want you back, but I know I can't get you back, I can't sleep normally because you are always in my mind, you always overtake my thoughts, you always affected me so much.

I miss you so much. I miss the moments we kissed, we held each other, when we got intimate, when I would always whisper "I love you." to reassure you I was only yours, your laugh, your touch, your singing, your flustered face when I would tease you, I miss everything about you, especially when I would always call your name and you turned to me with that adorable and cheeky smile of yours. Jisoo, I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry I left you to suffer alone, I'm sorry you loved a horrible person like me, I'm sorry you are still hurting after all these years, I'm sorry I couldn't keep the promise I promised you, I'm sorry we met because if I hadn't met you, you would of been happy right now.

Jisoo, I love you, I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything. Ha, what am I doing? You can't even hear me, but I hope one day you can forgive me, I hope one day I can go back to you, wait that would be a bad idea, you hate me so much right now, I don't know if I could ever face you again but I'll wish you the best, I wish you happiness..

My love, I miss you and I can't and will never stop thinking about you.. I HAD to let you go, I HAD to leave, I HAD to get help, I HAD to make you hate me, I HAD to do all these thing for you..

Jisoo, I had to do it...

I was filled with anger, I screamed at the top of my lungs as I began to throw things around in my room. I broke down again, I couldn't take it anymore. I hated myself so much, I couldn't take it, the pain I gave us, it was all my fault.

I kept crying until a few seconds later I was greeted by Sorn and Minnie at the door, they ran up to me as Sorn questioned me.

(AN: Sorn and Minnie are dating, and Sorn is a therapist, they live together and let Lisa their best friend live in their house.)

Sorn: "Lisa, what happened?! what's wrong?!"

I couldn't help but just cry like always. Why am I so weak? Why can't I do anything right?

Lisa: "I-I can't take this pain.. . I did the right thing, right? Leaving her was the right choice, right? I had to do all those painful things for a good reason because I love Jisoo so much.."

They both understood what I was saying, and they embraced me as I heard both of them crying with me.

All I could say at that moment was the truthful words that pained me so much, the words that will never leave my head because the pain I caused you.

Lisa: "I had to save her from the monster, I had to save her from me.."