BOOK TWO | bellamy blake imagines

7. words fail

STORY CREATED BY octavia-marie-blake

Bellamy stands. It's not his usual pose. You were to used to seeing him standing tall and strong, watching over everyone with his arms crossed. He was a leader. He was meant to be strong. But now, he just looks broken. Bellamy opens his mouth but the words that come out sound different.

"I never meant to make it such a mess." He admits, his chest rising and falling unsteadily. The trees on the ground surround you, almost as if protecting the two of you from the rest of the world. "I never thought that it would go this far."

His head is hung in shame, he can barely even look at you. You're shocked. You've known this boy all your life, you were in love with him for gods sake, but for some reason he resembles someone else.

You watch him as he wipes the tears from his eyes, "Bellamy, what did you do?"

Thinking it over, you wonder what he could be so distraught over. Everything finally seems like it's going to plan - Markus has a plan to stop Pike from rising to power and you believe it'll work. Though Markus has tried, Bellamy still believes Pike may be a good leader. He has trust in him.

The plan to make Bellamy see he's wrong is in progress. In his own head, Bellamys fighting with himself. He's searching for something to say, wondering how he's going to tell you about the grounder army that was sent to protect you. He takes a breath, feeling his heart almost stop.

"I led the army that killed the grounders." He tells you. He wishes he had more to say. Something else. Anything else. You feel like your heart has been ripped from the confines of your chest. Out of breath, you reply to him.

"What? No... that can't be." Bellamy squeezes his eyes shut, trying to force out the scene that was left after the massacre. Previously, he was so sure it was the right thing to do to help his people. During it, he couldn't even shoot one bullet. "Tell me you're lying." You order, stepping up to him and placing a hand on his, "Please. Just tell me this is some sick joke."

"I can't." He avoids the demand, "There's nothing I can say." Now you're definitely sure your heart isn't beating. You turn away from him, tears building up in your eyes. You focus on the ground as your head begins to feel heavy and dizzy. Three hundred lives lost due to a fear and hate.

"You have to understand," he continued, "I guess I could be part of this, I've never had this kind of thing before. I've never had anything worth saving." His voice sends shivers down your spine. You keep your eyes down, not daring to face him. You really don't know how you feel about him now.

"You can't be serious. I don't believe you, Bell. I know who you are and it's not this." Still, you try to convince yourself he's lying. He couldn't have done that, there's no way your Bellamy did that.

"Y/N, look at me." He tells you, persuading you to turn and face your boyfriend. The bags under his eyes are dark purple, he no longer looks happy or alive. It's taken a toll on him already. "I've never had the perfect girl until you fell in love with me. You've always seen the good part of me." Bellamy stands next to you but doesn't dare touch you. He knows he doesn't deserve to. "Octavia and I, we never had the dad who stuck it out. No corny jokes or baseball gloves... No mom who just was there because mom was all she had to be."

You wipe the bottom of your eyes, not being able to contain your emotions when Bellamy begins to cry in front of you. Instinctively, you rush over to him, placing both your hands on either side of his face.

"-I wanted to protect what I did have. I wanted to protect you." He admits, blinking away the tears from his vision.

You realise what you're doing. You pull away. "That doesn't make it okay, Bellamy. That's not a worthy explanation."

"I know, there is none." Bellamy let's himself stir in silence for a few seconds, before muttering two words. "Words fail." He runs his hand through his messy hair, moving it from his eyes. "There's nothing I can say... Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted. And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had." He looks directly at you, his eyes filled with glossy tears. "And it's right there." His voice breaks as tears stream down. "Right there in front of you." He repeats, making your heart ache.

Bellamys talking about you. He wanted nothing more than to keep you close, to keep you safe. Bellamy let it lead him on the wrong path, the wrong side. And now he knows he's lost you forever. You're speechless, not knowing what to say to the man you love.

"I can't stand what I did, Y/N. I kept telling myself it was the right thing, that everyone needed it. That it was the reason you were safe. But it's not true. 300 people are dead, because of me." He doesn't bother wiping his warm tears from his freckled face, he lets them sit there. "Words can't describe how sorry I am."

"I don't understand, we were fine!" You yell, wiping the tears from under your eyes.

"We were happy, I know." His voice is broken, completely shattered and pitchy. He's crying, hard. You've never seen him like this. "I guess I couldn't give that up. I wanted to believe they were bad - that we were in danger." He explains.

"Bellamy-"

"-I wanted to be the good guy for once," He interrupts you, in his own self loathing world, "but I'm just a mess. I didn't want to look at the monster I really am, the mess that I am."

"Why?"

Bellamy doesn't spend time thinking of an answer, he spends time trying to make his words make sense like they do in his own head. "Because then I don't have to look at it. No one does. Because if they knew who I really am, if you knew... They'd hate me too."

"Bellamy, you're breaking my heart." You sob, squeezing your eyes shut. This is the worst you've ever seen Bellamy, he usually never lets anyone see the worst of him. "I don't see you that way, I... I can't do this. I'm sorry."

The decision to walk away is made in a split second. You love him, you really do. But you don't know how to feel about what he's done. He's basically a murderer. But you love him. Without a second look, you walk away. Bellamy doesn't stop you.

His eyes are on you as you disappear from sight. The thing about living is that there's no rewind button. He can't change what he did. He can't run from it but he can try.

Will I just keep on running away from what's true?

The words run through his head, bouncing around and tearing the edges of his mind. Bellamy wonders if he'll ever be okay. It's morning time and the suns coming out.