crumble | h.s

part forty five

Harry Styles

Zayn was no where to be found.

We searched the whole house. We searched the driveway, the woods, we even drove down the highway to see if he was somewhere along there.

But he was gone. The Phantoms took him.

Now myself, Louis, Liam and Niall were all sitting around the island in our house that was just bombarded.

"How did they manage to grab him so quickly?" Liam shakes his head, looking down at his folded hands on the countertop.

"How did they even know about James?" Louis scoffs.

So many unanswerable questions were being thrown around. I sat on the stool with my head in my hands, rethinking every moment of our failed plan.

I had James, now I didn't. He was still out there. And to make matters worse, our friend got captured in the mix.

"What do you think they're gonna do with him?" Niall asks, staring at his twiddling thumbs while referring to Zayn.

"He's strong. He'll be fine." I answer.

"Are we gonna try and find him?" Liam interjects, raising his eyebrows.

"How? We don't know where any of them are." I say, tossing my hands in the air in frustration due to the situation.

Liam huffs and shakes his head. "This is fucked." he says before his phone begins to ring his pocket.

He fishes for it and looks at the screen, and then back up at us. "It's Eliza." he says.

"Go ahead." I wave him off. He nods and walks out of the room.

Eliza calling Liam made me think about Lydia. She was in bed right now, with no idea about what was happening.

I wonder what she would do if she found out what I was up to tonight. I knew that she would instantly be worried, because that's just the way she works. But would she be angry? Would she leave me?

I started to feel slightly guilty for going behind her back. I hated it. I've never felt guilty about anything like this before.

Should I call her? No, it'll only wake her up. I just wanted to see her face. But not only that, I wanted so much more. For her. For us.

I wanted to be able to travel with her. I wanted to be able to see the excitement on her face as she visits new places. I want to hold her hand as we walk down undiscovered pathways.

I want to grow with her. I want to watch her face light up and her eyes crinkle when she smiles about something that makes her happy.

I want her to have opportunity.

I can't give that to her. Not now. Maybe ever.

It was something that pained me so deeply, like a sharp ache in my chest. Of course I wanted her to stay with me. Of course I wanted to be around her forever.

But I love her. If I hold her back from her life, then I'm only being selfish. That's not love.

She's the only thing that has made me even slightly regret being in a gang. Because if I wasn't, we could be leading a normal life together right now.

We wouldn't have these problems. We wouldn't have to worry about being watched, captured or killed.

We would be happy together.

This internal struggle burned throughout me. I could physically feel a sharp ache. It was my heart.

I just wanted the pain to go away. I didn't want to feel right now.