crumble | h.s

part fifty eight

Lydia White

I can't feel anything.

I have to keep reminding myself where I am...because I'll start to drift off into nothingness and have to snap myself back.

I've been sitting on Eliza's couch for maybe 30 minutes. That's what the clock would suggest, but in my head it feels like I've been here for hours.

Eliza knows about everything now. Liam told her literally moments before Harry and I arrived. That's why she was crying.

She hasn't spoken to Liam since I've been here. She's just been sitting next to me on the couch trying to comfort me.

Liam's been pacing around the apartment. He's stressed, I can tell. But who can blame him?

All I can imagine is Harry being hurt or being held up somewhere and me not being able to do anything about it.

He promised me I'd see him again...but promises only go so far. 

"I need a smoke." Liam says, his voice rough and hoarse. He stands up and walks out the door. Eliza doesn't say anything. She doesn't even look in his direction. 

Eliza turns her body on the couch to face me. "Are you okay?" she looks at me with saddened eyes. 

"Yeah." I lie, but I didn't want to put the stress of how I felt on her. She's been through a lot today, too. 

Eliza bites her lip and gives her head a shake. "I can't believe all of this is real." she says. "When he told me about everything, I couldn't even process what was going on." 

"I couldn't either when I found out." I speak in sympathy. 

Her head turns in my direction. "How long have you known?" 

"A few months." 

"How did you react?" 

"Well," I take a deep, uneven breath. "I ran away. Or tried to, I guess." I say quietly, recalling the insane events from that night. It's so vivid, yet so blurry. I remember the party, then Harry getting stabbed. I remember the envelope and the fear coursing through my body. 

I thought Harry was going to kill me that night because his cover had been blown. Little did I know what was ahead. If you had told me that night that he'd become my boyfriend and the love of my life, I wouldn't have believed it at all. 

"Why'd you stay?" she asks with furrowed brows. 

"Because I love him." I say simply, because it was true. 

Her eyes widen slightly at my declaration. "Wow." she says. I nod. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" she tilts her head. 

I sigh. "I don't know. I didn't want to involve you." 

Her face falls and she rests a hand on my shoulder, rubbing gently. "You should have told me, Lyds." 

I know I should have. She was in the dark about so much for so long. She didn't even know I was living with Harry until today. 

The both of us stay quiet for a little longer until she pulls me into her for a hug and speaks. "I'm sorry this is happening to you." 

I pinch my eyes shut tightly, trying not burst out crying again. 

"Just don't lose hope." she whispers. 

That's what everyone keeps telling me. But how am I supposed to have any hope when everything is falling apart at the seams and there's no end in sight?