Kiwis | Harry Styles

Twenty

"H?" Jessi's voice speaks so quietly I almost don't hear her but I definitely feel the vice like grip she has on my arm, stopping me from following our youngest and eldest daughters out to the car. 

"You okay?" 

"No. I don't think we should take the girls." She rushes out and I notice she's started taking little half steps back from the garage door. 

"Jess?" I question but she doesn't stop moving backwards, her knuckles have turned white from how tightly she's holding her necklace and her head slowly shakes from side to side. "You told them yesterday they could come." I reach out and grip her elbow so she can't move any further. 

"I know but what if something's wrong, Harry?" 

My fingers wrap themselves tightly around her arm and I pull her back to me, my other arm hugs her tight. "Baby, what's wrong? Why are you so scared?" I panic as I can feel her trembling. "I don't even think you were this nervous when we had Madi." It's safe to say we were both a bit on edge during the last pregnancy what with it being our first after the miscarriage. 

"I don't know..." Her lie fades into a sob and I hold her closer, her fingernails are digging into my skin but I don't want her to let go. "So many things, H. Too many things. I don't even know where to start." 

"Hey, you don't have to do this alone. Share your fears with me, Jess. That's my job as your husband."

"I can't. You're so happy and excited, I don't-" 

"No, no, no. Wait! Are you saying you're not excited?" I fight to keep my voice calm as I pull her along the hallway and sit her down on the stairs. 

"Of course I'm excited but there's also an overwhelming sense of... I don't know how to describe it, fear? Dread?" She sighs and reaches for my hand as I sit down beside her. "I'm older than my Mum was when she had Daniel and before because I had Robin, Mac and Daniella with no problems I felt almost invincible, like something like that could never happen to me but then it did, H and it hurt so much." She pauses as I wipe away the tears which have fallen down her cheeks. "Then we got pregnant with Madison and it was scary but -" she shakes her head. 

"Come on, Jess. It's okay, you can tell me anything." I force myself to smile even although she's scaring me right now. 

"I still had time Harry. If things went badly, then we could try again." I can barely hear the words over her sobs and she buries her head in her hands. I pull her closer and breathe a little easier as she moulds herself to my body, her head leaning on my shoulder. I can feel the twins kicking as her bump presses up against my body and I wonder if they ever stop, they always seem to be moving.

"That doesn't make you a bad person, baby. I had those thoughts too." I cup her cheeks in my hand and tilt her head up to look at me. "It doesn't mean we wouldn't have been devastatedif anything had happened and it certainly doesn't mean we love Princess Madi any less." I feel my heart sink as the brief smile on my wife's face fades into a deep frown. 

"I'm not invincible, Harry and I don't have time." The pout that appears on her face reminds me of the sad pout that Dani wore for a week when her Kindergarten classes hamster died. "After every check up I remind myself that everything is fine but then I remember my Mum thought that too until it wasn't. As well as being older, we're having twins and everything is different. It's difficult." 

"Baby," I brush the tips of my fingers along the soft curve of her jaw and wait for her brown eyes to meet mine. "I'm here. Let me help you." 

"Could you maybe help me find a tutor for the kids? I'd like to have that sorted before we leave for Holmes Chapel for Christmas. I have a shortlist but they need interviewed and to meet the kids -"