suicide || h.s ✔

Epilogue

{Edited- please read the next chapter's posted after this. there are some thank you's and some other things that are needed to be said.}

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My feet sunk a little into the mud in the grass. It rained pretty hard last night, but today, it was beautiful. The sun was shining and most of the water was evaporating into the air. There was not a cloud in sight and it wasn't too cold nor too hot. I had a feeling it had something to do with Kaylee.

"Hi Kaylee." I announced, focusing my attention on the tombstone that sat in front of me. The grass was freshly cut and beautiful flowers had been placed all near her area. I sat down on the wet, muddy grass, putting the letter into my lap so it wouldn't get ripped.

"Today is our sixteenth anniversary." I began to play with the wedding band on my finger, something that I had never taken off. "It's crazy how long we've been together. I'm sorry I haven't visited in awhile. Darcy is turning sixteen soon and her preparation for her sixteenth birthday party has been crazy. She looks exactly like you. Every time I look at her, all I see is you. Her hair, her eyes, her nose, her face, everything. She has your personality, your witty sense of humor and your horrible taste in men."

I chuckled quietly, swallowing the lump that began to form in my throat, "Darcy still carries the letter she opened a few years ago from you. She has it on her nightstand table with a picture of the three of us in the hospital. I hope Landon and you are doing great up there and keeping an eye on Darcy and I. She's so beautiful and all I want to do is lock her away in a tower like that princess in Shrek."

I sighed, running my hands over my face, "Darcy has a boyfriend now. His name is Derek and she says 'he's the one'. I keep telling her he's no good for her because he smokes all the time and gets drunk but she says she loves him. I am so tempted to bring out my baseball bat and give that boy a lesson but I don't. Wanna know why? Because I see that same spark in her eyes like I had with you. Louis told me that Darcy can make her own decisions, but she's only sixteen and she's my baby girl. She's all I have left. Augustus passed away last week. He was old and had cancer. It was very hard on Darcy and the crew and I. I cried for hours that day because I felt like everything was ripped from beneath me again. It's a horrible feeling."

I stopped talking as the wind picked up again, causing my long, messy hair to get all up in my face. I brushed the hair out of my face with my fingers and tied it into a bun with the rubber band around my wrist.

"I have something for you. It's a letter. I have been writing this letter for ten years now and I still can't seem to get it right. I feel like this might be my closure letter to you, that maybe if I say the words on this letter, then maybe I can finally forgive you. You broke my heart, Kaylee, but I still love you so goddamn much and I don't think I could ever move on from you. You still have my heart, tucked away safely in your arms and I don't think I'm ever getting it back. I'm okay with that though because I don't want to give my heart out to anyone else. Anyway, I should start reading the letter now."

I grabbed the letter in my lap and took it out of the envelope. I then unfolded the pieces of paper and held it in my hands. My hands shook a bit and the lump in my throat was getting bigger and bigger."

"Okay, here I go,

Dear Kaylee,

I hated you. I hated you for years and years and years because you left me. You promised you would never leave me but you did. You left and you left with my heart and a baby. I didn't know how to raise a newborn baby by myself. I was trying to keep myself sane and you left me with a baby. After a while, I realized I didn't hate you. I could never hate you but I tried to let myself believe that I hated you to mask my hurt. I got really depressed when you left me, Kaylee. You left me and I drowned my sorrows in cheap beer. I would come home drunk and high and one day, I began to cut again. I thought that if I couldn't have you, then the razors could. So I went back to being depressed and forgot all about Darcy. Management canceled our tour and put babysitters on me. Niall screamed and yelled at me and we had a fallout where we stopped talking for weeks. Every day someone new would watch me and I felt like a baby. I didn't need this and I took my anger out on everyone around me. I regret my actions but they should have been normal for a guy whose wife just killed herself, right?