Seal Team- Lost and Alone

Chapter 18

Once they got home, Jason went first for the whisky. "You maybe at least want a glass," Sony asks? Jason just sits at the table bottle in hand and after taking a huge drink wanting to just un hear and un see this entire day. So since he couldn't forget forever, he decided forgetting for now would have to do.

"Jason, maybe we should". He's cut off with "if you're talking you're leaving, so either grab a glass, or just be silent, please." Sonny decides it's best he stay silent and watch to make sure Jason doesn't accidentally drink too much." A half hour later, they have made it to the living room. Jason is smashed and not very coherent. Sonny cuts him off and waits patiently and 10 minutes later he is left with a sleeping friend who has just punished himself for something that isn't his fault. Guilt is consuming Jason, and this cannot be a repetitive outlet. Once Jason is asleep he texts Trent and asks him to come by just to reassure himself that Jason's okay and didn't poison himself.

Trent's there 10 minutes later and after assuring him Jason is just passed out, Sonny shares with him the evening events and just what will be happening tomorrow, or actually later today.  He's afraid Jason is blaming himself and that's not going to help the current situation.

Trent decides it's best he leave and tells Sonny to call him for anything. Since they pulled Jason from the recliner and put him on the couch, Sonny decided he'd sleep in the recliner and hopefully tomorrow doesn't end up being a day of self loathing on Jason's part.

Morning comes to quickly and Jason feels like he was hit with a tire iron.  Sonny quietly asks if he wants sone breakfast, and Jason looks at him like he's ready to be sick any second.  After an hour Jason still hasn't spoken as Sonny decides to rip  the band aid off.

"Jace, you ready to talk yet?" 
"What's their to talk about?  The fact that there's a kid possibly as we speak being ripped from the only friends  he has that give a damn and thrown in an institution where no one knows him or how  much help he needs.  And let's not forget the terror and confusion he's going to feel.  Or how bout maybe the fact that my kid sleeps on a roof sometimes because he feels safer there then in the house he lives in.  Or,  when we find out he's mine, it's going to take me months to get him in my custody and I haven't even begun to think about how I can possibly do that.  I have no idea what to do, or how to help him, take care of him, any of it.  So, thanks."

Jason grabs his car keys and heads for the door.
"Let me come."
"I'll be back Sonny, I gotta get my head straight and I feel like I can't breathe. I'll be back."

Sonny let's him go, knowing it's easier to go along then try to win a fight he knows he can't.

Jason drives to a trail he's walked when he's needed to think since the kids were small. It's peaceful and hardly used by others so it's perfect for what he needs. He starts to shut his phone off when he changes his mind. What if Ryan needed him and he wasn't there like he hasn't been these 8 years. He doesn't even realize he's crying, but damn glad now he's not home for Sonny to see this. He goes off the path to a place he and Alana used to come to talk. It was where he felt closest to her. Even though they had divorced, they were able to be better friends and he's grateful they were on such good terms when she passed, but he still feels so much guilt for everything. Even guilty that it wasn't him instead.

"So, I guess you know why I'm here......have you been watching the shit show going on down here? If you have any suggestions, please share with the class....," he sighs. The kids are good.  They are working so hard at school.  You would be proud.......
Ok, I know we weren't together when I was with Jessie, but somehow I feel guilty.  Like maybe if I wasn't such an idiot, none of this would of ever happened, you'd still be here, and we'd be together.  What do they call it, empty nesting?  We could be doing that.......  I've made so many mistakes.....  I just need you to forgive me for everything I ruined.  I need to close this chapter because I can't carry the guilt for you when I feel like all my guilt belongs to  Ryan now.  If that even makes any sense.  I've ruined so much in my life.  I can't focus on Ryan if I'm thinking about you.  I come here because this is where I feel you.  Not the cemetery.  This was our spot, and this is where I'm going to let you go.  Im letting go of all the bad and embracing the good we had, and I think we had way more good then bad.  And I honestly think if you were here, you would love Ryan and wouldn't hold anything against him.  I think you would have cared deeply for him despite the way things happened.  I wish you were here to tell me what  to do.  I don't know how to take care of a child by myself, let alone a child with so many needs.  He needs so much more than I can give him.  He needs patience and gentleness and  I don't know how to do that. I'm a high strung, stubborn, selfish son of a bitch and I need to be better.  Do you think I can?  Do you think I can be enough, not just for Ryan, but Emma and Mikey too.  I hope the kids will share a feeling of love and acceptance for him that he deserves.  Please help them through this and guide  them towards love and acceptance.  I will always love you, but it's time I move on and carry your memory with me instead of carrying guilt.  Good bye Alana and if you could find room  in your heart to watch over Ryan and be his guardian angel like you are for Emma and Mikey,...... this kid needs it, and you are perfect for the job,I will be forever grateful."

He sits a few minutes, wipes his tears before standing and heading back the way he came, feeling at least this weight has been lifted. Once his car is in sight, he looks up and stops. On the hood of the car staring back at him is a cardinal, a beautiful redbird and he quickly remembers what his mom had told him once when he was young and lost his most favorite person, his grandma. When you loose someone you love, they are never gone. They are always watching over you even when you can't see them. But in those moments you need to be reminded, or you need them, they come in the form of a redbird. He smiles and says to the little bird, "you always needed the last word, didn't you."