Seal Team- Lost and Alone

Chapter 37

Jason is rocking and singing and Ryan is calm.  Jason can feel it. The little boy who usually cannot stay still, can't even keep his legs still is absolute dead weight right now.  He's not asleep, he's just at peace.  Jason can't help but smile and feel a little pride, that he is the only one able to do this for Ryan.  Then it hits him like a truck, he won't be able to do this for what will probably be a long time, and he feels sick.  No one else can calm him like this. He'll be left to come undone by himself. His thoughts all day had been how this is affecting him, but now he's thinking, what will it do to Ryan.  No matter what he tells Ryan, he's not going to understand.  He'll just see that Jason left.  He keeps walking.  He sees Sonny walking towards him.  "Jace, kids are eating dinner.  Josh wants you to bring him in."  Jason holds Ryan just a little tighter.  "Ryan, let's go get you something to eat.  It's dinner time."  Ryan doesn't say anything.  Jason carries him to the door and puts Ryan down.  "Go sit with TJ, and Sonny will get you some dinner, ok?"
Ryan walks off.  "Jace?"
"Could you help him get his dinner?" Jason asks.
"Yah, I can do that."  Sonny walks in to help Ryan.  Jason stays outside for a few more minutes before walking into the center.  His eyes land on Ryan and he's sitting with TJ, picking at his dinner.  He pushes it away, and picks up his milk before climbing up on the table, and looking around.  Jason smirks at Sonny when he see Josh making his way to table.  He takes his phone out and gets a pic before Ryan turns away.  'That's my boy, he thinks."

"Ryan, are you supposed to be up there?" Jason hears as he walks over to give Josh a hand.
"Jump like skate ."  He starts to run and jump to the next table, but Jason catches him mid air.
"Josh is angry. "Ryan, what are you doing?" He's bouncing in Jason's arms not listening one bit.
"Don't ever do that again."
"I fly."
Josh looks like his head is going to explode. Jason starts talking softly. "Ryan, you cannot do that again. You will get hurt. There's no flying ever." He sets him down on the floor.
"Ryan, look at me," Ryan stops and Jason hopes he's listening. "No flying," Jason says firmly.
"No flying," Ryan repeats back.
"Good boy," Jason says.

He carries Ryan outside again and sits on the picnic table.  He sees Shawn.  He knows Shawn knows something is up, he may even have figured it out on his own.  He keeps walking and nods to Jason. 
"Ryan, I need to talk to you.  Please listen.  I'm not going to be able to see you for a little while.  I have to go away for work.  I'm going to miss you so, so much baby.... Do you understand?"
"Puppy, stay."
"I wish I could, but I can't.," Jason tells him. 
"I stay you. Mon, Puppy, "Ryan hops off his lap, takes his hand and starts to pull.  All the kids are gone and the adults are outside watching.  Shawn and TJ are waiting for Ryan.  "Mon Puppy," he pulls harder.
"I'm sorry buddy, but I'll be back as soon as I can.  I promise."
"No, nah, no,". He's getting upset.  Jason picks him up knowing this isn't going to end well.  He starts walking over to Shawn.  Jason kneels down and has Ryan facing him.  "I'll see you really soon buddy."
Ryan gets an idea.  He pulls his St Christopher out holding it towards Jason.  "Sweeps, sweeps, sweeps! He cries eyes pleading with Jason.
"I, I don't know how many sleeps buddy.  I'll come see you as soon as I can."
"I be dood," he cries.
"You are  a good boy Ryan.  I just have to go to work. I'll be back."
"No leave," he latches on to Jason.  Jason gives him a big hug, and prys Ryan's arms from around his neck. 
"You go with TJ, and I'll see you soon. Ok?" Ryan's whole demeanor changes, he's not upset anymore and Jason swears he sees the wall go up.  Ryan just gave up.  Jason just became every other adult Ryan's ever met.  "Ryan, I'll see you soon." He tries.  Ryan doesn't even turn around.  He's walking towards the parking lot.  TJ goes running after him.

"Wanna tell me what that was all about," Shawn calls Jason out.
"I gotta go away for work and he doesn't understand."
"Yah,..... that's not it......  Ya know, I noticed something the other day. He turns around to be sure no ones close. When I saw you with Ryan, holding him and walking with him, it reminded me of something."
"Oh yah, what's that," Jason asks, sadness evident n his voice.
"You don't look at Ryan like Josh does. Not that Josh looks bad at Ryan or anything......  When TJ was little, he was real sick one time.....  He just cried non stop.  Our dad, he held TJ and walked him back and forth for hours.  Seriously, hours.  And he, he looked at TJ, the same way you look at Ryan," Shawn looks Jason right in the eye.  "You're his dad, aren't you?"
Jason can't believe Shawn figured that all out.  He's speechless. "Shawn, it's really complicated.  You haven't told anyone else your theory, have you."
"The fact that you're asking, makes me think my theory is correct,"
"Shawn, what do you think about me?" Jason asks.  "It's okay.  I want you to be honest."
"I think you're a good guy.  I saw you with your son you brought with you. You seem like a good dad. At first I worried you were a perv," he laughs, "but I paid close attention.  You really care about Ryan.  So my question is where the hell have you been all these years?"