FINE LINE | HARRY STYLES

#7: beach.

-in which during the early stages of her pregnancy with baby #2, soleil is feeling depressed, so harry decides to cheer her up with a beach day.

JUNE, 2022.

I thought because this was my second kid, it'd be a breeze. I'd be so used to everything that it would be nothing compared to Luna.

The reality is, Luna was nothing compared to this.

These past three months have been absolute hell. My body feels as if I've been put onto a hamster wheel and I've been running for years now. Everything makes me nauseous, but the lack of food makes me even more nauseous. Headaches are just an everyday thing now and I've begun to just get used to the fact that I'll be waking up with one. I'm always exhausted no matter how much I've been sleeping and it's been a lot.

Getting through Grandma's funeral was hell and a half. The entire time I was sobbing my eyes out while also having to hold down the bile that kept rushing up my throat all morning. As soon as it was over, I was running to the nearest bush.

Speaking of public vomiting, I became a victim of the roadside sickness pap shot. While driving down the highway in LA during a visit to my parents, I had to practically scream at Harry to pull over so I could hack the breakfast he had to force feed me that morning.

Next thing I know, it's a headline.

'Harry Styles Comforts Wife, Soleil, While She Gets Sick on the Side of the Road!'

When Harry saw it, he said and I quote, "Yeah, you definitely are my wife!"

Then he proceeded to print out my pap shot and the pap shot of him throwing up on the side of the road and put them side by side with the stupidest grin I've ever seen.

I almost divorced him on the spot.

On top of everything, I was worn down from all the mourning of my grandma. I think the pregnancy and the grieving sort of tag teamed and completely kicked the shit out of me. Lately, I've just been in bed, trying not to run to the bathroom every five seconds, and looking through photos of Grandma.

Harry of course continues to claim the title as 'World's #1 Father and Husband'. With each day. he's been running around the house after Luna and making sure she's distracted, fed, and all around satisfied while also being sure that I don't have vomit in my hair or that when I need someone to hold, he's there.

I've put him through so much these past few months and I feel awful about it. Even Luna, I haven't been the best mother and I'm only to blame. I haven't made her pancakes with the smiley face chocolate chips or I haven't braided her hair or snuck around the house to play with her while Harry slept on the couch.

Of course, she always has Harry and she absolutely adores him. But as he once told me, she needs her mother and I haven't been one.

I woke up in the bathroom this morning, remembering last night's events full of complete guilt and regret.

Last night, I really screwed up. Right now it felt like the morning after a storm, where everything is in the wrong place and has water damage. I could be sick just thinking about it.

Everything was fine. Harry was downstairs with Luna and I was upstairs in bed. After he had put her to bed, he came into the bedroom and noticed I was crying. I didn't even notice I was.

Then when he tried to comfort me, I pushed him away. I thought he'd do his usual "okay" and walk out of the room, but he didn't. Maybe because he knew I secretly needed him or maybe because he could never walk away from me while I was crying, but he stayed. For some reason that set me off and I completely exploded.