Accepting: Hidden Self

Chapter 34

AN/ mentions of torture

San

         I don't want to know who it is on the rack, I never did well dealing with that information. I groan as I am told to torture this person, I don't want to. Why? Why is this happening?

         Eventually, it's like I am no longer in control, and I feel myself change perspectives, I am now the one on the rack. I am in this familiar and yet horrible situation, but now it's me torturing myself.

         I do everything in my power not to scream, not to yell, but eventually I do scream out, and I don't hear my voice, but someone else's, someone familiar.

         "Ah, you finally figured it out did you?" I hear myself ask, and he shows me a reflection of myself, no not myself.

         "Woo?" I ask, feeling myself curling inward I wake up, curled in a ball, and I don't see Woo.

         I grab my phone and see that it's almost time to get up so I get myself ready for the day.

:@:

         On our way to the studio I see Woo being very distant, and I let him have his space. Sometimes he likes to play hard to get, but sometimes he does it as a way to let him calm down from something.

         He rides with Mingi, Yeosang, and SeongHwa, so I ride with the others. I am tired, my mind drifting off to the nightmare from time to time, making me feel like I should keep away from Woo. We go through our day the same way we usually do, just not together. Anytime I see Woo I turn and go the other way, but when practicing I just stay quiet, and keep to myself.

:@:

         This goes on for what feels like an eternity, but in reality is about five days. I no longer sleep with Woo, but in my room, he doesn't seem to look at me unless we are doing something that we have to interact with each other.

         "Okay, what is going on with you two?" HongJoong asks me. I tie my boots, getting ready to practice one of our new songs, and shrug.

         "I don't know, he won't talk to me, and I'm afraid to talk to him now." I say, and go into position. I can hear him going over to Woo, but I can't hear them. I feel something in my heart, and I can't help but feel like something is wrong.

         I push the thought to the side, and start to practice, though everything feels off. I feel like something is lurking just around the corner.

         When we are done with our practice I find the courage to go up to Woo. He is sitting with Mingi, and Yeosang, talking to them, looking upset. As I walk up to him he sees me, but instead of his usual smile, or wave, not even his nod of recognition, he gives me a look that breaks my heart. He has fear in his eyes as he looks at me.

          I remember what I did in my nightmare, what I put him through, what I let him endure. I see his face and I can't take it, I leave the room letting silent tears fall, teleporting away as I exit the door. He's terrified of me, what did I do? I try not to be too overpowering, I try not to hurt him. All I do is try to let go of what I thought I was. If he really is terrified of me I don't know what I did.

         "It's not what you yourself did, but your nightmare you," I hear from around me. What does that mean? I think as I fall to my knees, curling in fear, pain and loneliness.

:@:

Mingi

         A few days ago I woke up early, much earlier than usual, so I went to sit on the couch, trying not to wake everyone up. I watched as Wooyoung came out of his room, still tired, but waking up. He sat down with me as we tried to find something to watch. Eventually I look over and see shock and fear in his eyes.

         "Are you okay Wooyoung?" I ask, getting eye level with him and holding his shoulders.

         "I... San, had a horrible dream," he whispers, tears rolling down his cheeks. It's not uncommon for him to have nightmares, but nothing has made Woo like this before.

         "What happened?" I ask and he just falls apart in my arms. I don't know what to do, but thankfully SeongHwa's motherly instincts woke him up, and called him over. He asks him what happened and we are shocked.

         "You mean he dreamed that he was torturing you?" SeongHwa asks in disbelief.

         "It was horrible, he had such rage, and yet so much joy as he cut me. I..." he cut off, not wanting to talk anymore. We take care of him and get him ready to go to the studio. We ride with him and so does Yeo, noticing that his friend isn't doing well.

         I watched San like a hawk, but he seemed to give Wooyoung his space, but that space eventually turned into him just avoiding Woo. I eventually ask HongJoong to talk to him, and I sit to talk with Wooyoung.

:@:

         "So, what did he say?" Wooyoung asks looking up at HongJoong hyung.

         "He said he doesn't know, and that he's scared to talk to you after you guys not talking for so long." he tells us. Wooyoung looks confused and looks at me.

         "Did he not mean for that to be seen?" he asks me. I shrug and eventually we have to go practice, and it feels so awkward.

         When we are done I sit with everyone, and as we are talking I notice San walking towards us, but he stops when he sees Wooyoung look at him. San has what I can only describe as heartbreak as he sees Wooyoung's eyes. I look over and see that Wooyoung has a mix of fear and panic.

         We all watch as San hangs his head and heads to the door, we all see the mist, knowing that he is gone I look at Wooyoung again. He is crying, and Yeosang comforts him, looking confused, but trying to help his friend.

         "Mingi? How do you put up walls?" he asks me. I sigh, knowing what he wants to do, and I teach him, slowly, how to build a wall around a memory you want shut off, and it takes a while for it to stick.

:@:

         It's been a day, nobody has seen San, and Woo is now able to put a wall up successfully. I help him get his wall up one more time and it works. I go to stand up, and he sighs.

         "Great, now do you think this will work for specific people?" he asks me, which causes me to stop mid motion, making me almost fall.

         "I mean, I know you want him to not be in your head, but to go that far?" I ask, and he just nods. I sigh and sit down on the floor again, hearing Yunho, SeongHwa and Yeosang sitting around us. I walk him through the steps and when we are done I can feel a sting of tears entering my eyes.

         "What's wrong?" he asks us, but before we can say anything San appears in the dining room. He goes to the kitchen and grabs some food, and proceeds to eat like he hasn't eaten in days.

         I watch as SeongHwa slowly heads over to see him, and we watch as he puts a hand on San's shoulder. We can only sit and watch as we see SeongHwa tear up at the sight of San's eyes.

         "I've heard of this, but I've never actually seen it happen to anyone I've known before." he says, taking a step back from San. 

AN/ I am sorry for this...