Forbidden Fruit

Memories and Breaking

Trigger warning: mental health breakdown

Chloe's POV

It only takes thirty minutes to get where I want to go, but the ride feels like forever as I rip a piece of my heart out and left it behind for Alex to discover. Maybe what I did was selfish. Maybe what I did was brave. I don't know all the answers and the only thing I want to do is lay down and not move for a little while.

      I take my bags out of the car and try my best to carry them all with me inside the motel lobby, the dreary carpets and drapes familiar to me from all those years ago. "Good afternoon, what can I help you with?" The clerk says looking up from her phone with a practiced smile on her face.

     "Is room 239 available?" I ask her and she frowns slightly at the unusual question but goes to check the computer anyways before turning back to me.

     "Yes, it seems like it's been free for the past few days. Would you like to buy this room out?" She asks and I nod my head, getting out a few bills from the stack of money I accumulated over the years from being what I am. "And how long would you like to stay?" She asks before looking up at me.

     "Here's enough for a month." I tell her slipping her the cash in hand and she raises her eyebrows but doesn't ask any other question except the ones she has to.

     "Name?"

      "Chloe." I tell her and stop there. She glances up at me and seeing the stern expression, and probably the puffy still wet eyes, decides not to push it, at least for the moment. After a few more questions, I'm making my way from the lobby to Room 239 where my life changed for the first time.

      It's a struggle to get all my bags across the parking lot but I don't trust the world enough to make more than one trip. I set the heavy cargo down and slide the plastic keycard into the slot, letting it click before I push the door open. I transfer the bags to just inside the door before I close it behind me and everything finally comes crashing down.

    This is the room Thomas brought me when he saved me that night. I woke up the next morning laying on that bad screaming bloody murder from my first nightmare. Thomas saved my life that day and here I am, full circle, except there's no one to save me this time. Not from myself.

     I turn away from the beds and make my way to the bathroom, flipping on my light to take in my image in the mirror, wave after wave of disgust crashing through me as I do.

You can't escape what you are by playing house.

      I shut my eyes as I try to fight off the rise of voices coming to bombard my head, going back into the room to try and put my stuff away in the drawers only if to attempt to busy my mind. I grab the first bag from beside the door and open it, taking it to the dresser as I begin to clean it out.

You were made for others to use you.

     I feel tears prick my eyes at the reminder, my chest aching as memory upon memory shakes whatever confidence and false sense of security I had gained these past seven month, living a pipe dream. A dream. One that I never knew I had wanted, but came true so perfectly, making me forget the reality of what I am and what that means.

No one can love something like you.

     No. No. Alex loves me. No he loves me. He loves me and I took his heart and stomped on it and I no longer know if it was to protect him from the world or to protect myself from what so many others have done. How can he still love me when I ran away like this?

The only thing you are is a burden.

     The clothes fall from my hands as I shove them over my ears, trying without any results to get the sound of those voices from out of my head so I can think and allow my self to feel this out like I need to.