Before Rosa

[BR 33]

Note ---
Hiii. Happy New Year!

Now, this update is not going to be happy. Not at all. So, maybe this me (and maybe you, too) having a last cry for 2020. Let's hope for something better this coming new year.
Stay safe, guys. And I love you all. Thank you for a meaningful year (despite everything).
-A. 💜

P.S. Anong handa n'yo? Makikikain ako. Chaur.
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S I A
Before Rosa 33

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This was supposed to be the best Christmas I've ever had. But I guess, the universe thought that I don't deserve one so, it found a way to ruin everything.

The morning of Christmas Eve, I woke up happy despite my frustrating talk with my dad the night before. The big family that was Rosalie's crew and the Gonzales fam lifted my mood tenfold. Ang tagal ko nang hindi nakararanas ng ganito -- the genuine smiles and loud laughter during get-togethers. Ang saya lang nilang tingnan.

Habang pinagmamasdan sila, ginawa ko ang lahat para hindi malungkot at ikumpara sila sa sarili kong pamilya. It made me sad. We've been like this before, noong buhay pa si Kuya Alele. I'll pay anything to bring it back but... hindi ko alam kung saan 'yun mabibili. O kung meron nga bang mabibilhan nun.

"Anong oras na?" I heard Raffy ask from the other side of the hall. It snapped me out of my trance.

"11:59, kuya," sagot ng isang service crew ng Rosalie's.

I blinked. Magsisimula na ang countdown, isip ko.

"Magsisimula na," echo ni Raffy.

I looked at him with forehead creased. Naramdaman kong kinuha niya ang kamay ko, dahilan para bumilis ang tibok ng aking puso. "Bakit mo 'ko hinahanap eh Pasko, hindi naman New Year?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

"It's our first Christmas together," he said, squeezing my hand. "I wanna hold you."

Napapikit ako sa kacheesy-han niya. "Pwede b--"

Natigilan ako. My phone rang against my other hand. Tiningnan ko 'yun at nakita ang caller ID ni Sana. I grinned and let go of Raffy's hand. "I'll be back."

"Wait," pigil niya sa 'kin sabay huli ulit ng aking mga kamay.

Kasabay ng paghiyaw ng lahat ng, "Merry Christmas!", lumapit siya at hinalikan ang noo ko.

"Merry Christmas," bulong niya.

Filled with a weird but familiar feeling in my chest, I chuckled. "Merry Christmas." Tumingkayad ako at hinalikan siya sa labi. With a last squeeze of his hand, I let his hand go. Tumalikod na 'ko sa kaniya at sinagot ang tawag ng kapatid ko.

"Sana," nakangiting bati ko. Rinig ko pa ang malakas na tibok ng aking puso at ramdam ko pa ang mga labi ni Raffy sa labi ko. "Merry Christmas."

○●○

As early as four the next morning, Raffy and I left for Cierra Estrella. Raffy was talking to Kei over the phone most of the ride, but I didn't pay them much attention. Tahimik lang akong nakasandal sa bintana ng passenger's seat, nakatulala sa kalsada. Minsan, namamalayan ko na lang na nakatulog na pala ako. Then, I would ask Raffy to make a stop para maka-ihi ako.

Raffy let me be. Hindi niya 'ko sinubukang kausapin kung hindi kailangan. He didn't try to make me feel better either because, I think, he knows that nothing will make be feel better. Ni hindi pa nga nagpoprocess sa 'kin ang mga nangyayari. Ang alam ko lang, kailangan naming makarating sa Cierra Estrella ngayon din.