My story.

78.

5 February.

It's been awhile. Sorry for that. I've been terrible. Yeah, the usual.

Sleepless nights spend crying. Anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts.. It just doesn't stop. It was gone for a bit, not completely, but I was something that could go with "okay". Well two weeks ago depression caught up on me again. I can't escape, there's no way out. I'm just a hopeless piece of pure (bull) shit and so is my life and everything involved in that.

You know, I stopped telling people. I already did that but I don't tell no one anymore. Not my friends, no one. Every night I wish will be gone the next morning. That I won't open my eyes again, that I'm just gone. I don't deserve life and even if I did, I don't want it. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I'm not so sure why I happened.

I'm just so done you know. My life always has been shit. My parents beat me since I was just a little kid. I never loved my parents and they never loved me, I believe. At school I was always the strange kid, that was called a freak and ugly. I've always been bullied. High school is the worst thing. Ya know I graduated last year but I'm still in high school doing a higher level. The first two years of HS have been the worst. I kept having anxiety attacks and I would burst out crying in the middle of class. In that first year I met a girl (she was in my class), she's moved to another city but she's still in my memory. She was the first and one of the few I told about the fact that my parents beat me. She was always there for me and she was my best friend. In the 2nd year we were still friends, things became better but I'd still cry and I got in a lot of fights. Because those fights, mostly with the class I was in, I changed classes. I always felt anxious in that old class, while I didn't at all in the new class. That was an improvement. I don't remember much of the 3rd year and I graduated in the 4th year. That year was the best, however, my depression hit me really hard then. I'm now in my 5th year, but in theory I'm still in the 4th, but on a higher level. Next year I'll be graduating on this level. My class right now, this year; is absolute hell. I've already been in a fight with everyone all at once and more then half of them still hate me. At first I thought they were awesome, but now I hate more than 3/4 of them. School is hell for me at the moment. I get anxiety attacks twice a day, and I feel like I could break down every second. I'm anxious as fck in class, when the teacher asks a question I swear I pray to god they won't choose me to say the answer. In Holland,  I'm not sure how to call it in English, we got something that's called *bad translated* failing anxiety, what means you're afraid as shit to fail or do stuff wrong. I might have that and I might get help for it but I'm not sure. Well I guess that's all about school, it is hell and it's always been hell and at the moment I want nothing more then just be gone.

By the way, I'm crying while writing this, just so you know how bad I'm actually doing rn.

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*Here randomly comes one of my frustrations*; there's a guy at school and he's like faking his depression. I know that because if you are depressed, you will most likely keep it to yourself or talk about it to a friend. You don't scream it around, I swear. You don't want that. But this guy, he keeps yelling (in the middle of class) that he's depressed and that he doesn't want to live anymore and HE'S EVEN WRITTEN A DA'MN "SUICIDE LETTER" THAT HE LITERALLY FORCES EVERYONE TO READ. Ok. Ok. I'm calm. I'm not but I'm okay. It's just so freakin painful you know. I (and too many others) are suffering everyday and he's just joking with it because he needs attention. I'm so so done.

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'We could be heroes, yeah you and me'

Maybe we could. Like really.. I'm getting deep now I know but I'm trying to change. Trying to show love to people because you never know what people have been through and idk you'll never know how close one is to the edge.. maybe if we all give some respect and show love we can make this world a bit better.

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151 days clean, can you believe it? Because I don't. The reason of it is the guy in the pic above or on the side, its showing on the top of this chapter for me. Niall horan. #1 Lifesaver.

"Only ever in my dreams I wrap my arms around you" & it's true. Every night I wish he was there to hold me. If I could hug him, my broken pieces would heal all together. But he isn't and it hurts. He's all I've ever needed in life, he's the only reason I'm still hanging around. Without him I'd be six feet down, if you know what I mean. He's everything.

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I'm a crying mess, my face is red and a panic attack is coming up. I'm also run out of stuff to write down so I guess this is it.. I hope I'll stay strong enough to stay clean, but we'll see, because I pretty much stopped caring. Bye loves, see you soon.

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If you want me to update comment please, I'll see what I can do. I don't know if I'll be emotionally stable enough to do stuff but I'll try. Also if you ever need someone, don't hesitate to message me. x