My story.

Chapter 67

19th October 2014.

- 12:38pm -

I guess I could just delete everything about that guy (what I said in yesterday's chapter) because I talked to him and he said he didn't mean it like that at all and he's sorry. After that he tried to cheer me up. And he did. He always manages to cheer me up. I love him so much.

I've really had a tough time yesterday. I was in so incredible much pain. Some people did cheer me up but I was too exhausted to really care. I'm now even more tired and I honestly could break down again right now. Life seems so pointless. I hate how I can't be who I want because I constantly get judged and destroyed and then there's depression and an never ending in security that aren't making anything better.

Now the only thing to be happy about is that some people do care about me. And my friend, you know the guy one that basically is my life. He's all I could have ever asked for. I would die for him. Without thinking twice. That guy is the only one in my entire life that I can count on, he's the only one that never has let me down, and never will. I can't describe how much I love him. Now, he's got a boyfriend again and those two are soooooo good together. I mean my friend could really need some cheering up and well there was this guy :) perfect timing, perfect couple. I'm so happy for them! <3

20th October 2014.

Everything, and I mean everything is going wrong. I don't even know where to start. I can honestly cry right now.

First off all I guess, my friend is doing just terrible. He has been losing sleep and he's so sad. His mum has probably cancer and literally everything is going wrong in his life. I'm so sad.. He cried at school today and I wasn't there and I feel so bad :( I just want him to be okay.

Secondly, so another friend of mine is, well was I guess now, in a relationship with someone I really don't like. I mean okay I was like "if he's happy it's ok" and he spend so much time on her and he tried so hard. Today at school she totally ignored him and after school she told him she thinks it's going too fast. She fucked him up and he's really angry now, so am I. It's just so fucking unfair. So tomorrow we're going to figure it out and we'll see. If she hurts him again she's dead.

Thirdly, I'm feeling so bad. I've had several breakdowns and I'm getting better but the next hour I'm just down again. You know, I get hope and the next moment it's gone. It's fucked up.

And I hate being so fucking jealous. I always end up hurted. Ugh.

It's like a month ago. It's exactly like that. When i forgot how to smile. I can't smile anymore. Even if I wanted to. I'm too fucked up again. If people randomly smile at school, I try to put on a smile or anything like that but it just doesn't work out. It's a broken smile. I guess. I'm not happy anymore. I'm dead in a still breathing body. I'm not supposed to be here. And I don't deserve to be here. I want to be gone. I want to be dead

I don't belong here. I don't at all.

I'm numb. Exhausted. Hurt. Empty. And feeling an endless sadness that keeps haunting me. I want to cry

This sucks

Bye