My story.

79.

7 February 2015.

Today I woke up at 7am to watch the first concert of the boys through livestream at 9am. First there was Mc Busted and when they went off stage the livestream stopped and it started working a few times but then stopped again so I watched the concert through a half working laggy af stream, vines, twit videos and snap and idk I slept only 4 hours but it was so worth it.

The rest of the day I've been depressed af and its going to be a great fucking night spend crying tonight. I can't wait. Won't be getting any sleep at all.

I've been so bad lately and I'm only getting worse and I can't do it no more.

I'm sitting on the couch here with my parents & Im annoyed af and all I want is to disappear but there's a show on TV I wanna watch and ugh.

I'm just so down. My heart is shattered again, I'm shit. Nobody needs me here. I'm actually really curious why I'm still alive. Fuck it. Fuck everything. ;(

8 February 2015.

Yesterday was hell, today is hell. Tomorrow is hell. I'm sad all of the time. I could cry any second. I could put a razor to my wrist and not give any fucks at all.

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3 or 4am can either be your worst nightmare or it can actually be good. Tonight it was a nightmare.

It all starts with your mind. It starts putting lost pieces together, which causes a real mess, because its like some pieces don't get the right place but still stick together and the thoughts that come from that hurt a lot. Also, the pieces that got on the right places make you think too. 3am mostly remind me of how less people I really have. How less people care. How I could end it and how people won't notice. Its terrible, but true. I honestly have no one. Even my best friend, yeah the gay one, doesn't know I cut, nor that I'm depressed. Nobody knows the real me, however my friend does come close. It still hurts though, that's probably a reason I started writing this story. To write the things down I can't tell anyone. Fuck this makes me cry again. OK so that's why 3am is terrible. It reminds you of the facts and they hit you hard. Or they make things up and they hurt you probably even harder.

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So now it is 6:16pm and I'm bored as fuck and thinking of cutting and that's the reason I'm writing now so I don't have to go search for razors. I can already feel my arm burning ugh I hate this struggle. Worst addiction. Together with nail biting. Another terrible thing about me. Done it since I was a little kid. Now I'm 17 & tried over a million times (not kidding) to stop but I failed everytime. Its disgusting, but an addiction. That pairs with a lot of anxiety. That's however whats most of the cause of it. And I promise, trying to stop biting my nails is (I really think so) harder then trying to stop smoking.

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I just called my best friend and all I really wanna do is cry rn. He was stoned and normally he's great like that but... He was with some girl and all he did was making fun of me..

(To make stuff more clear: he doesn't give a shit about anything bc to say it short: his parents didn't raise him too well. Which normally isn't a problem either, but is on moments like this. I hate my parents but they did raise me well I guess. I always keep my respect for other people and I'm shy af anyways. But he isn't. And weed isn't making it better.)

So with that girl, idk what happened but he kept laughing at me with her. When he asked for my boob size I said no, that I wasn't going to tell him. I'm sorry but I wasn't going to tell him and since he was with that girl and she could hear our entire convo, I wasn't at all. He got angry and I'm fucking embarrassed. I ended the call and now I'm writing this. God I hate him for that.

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Its fine now, he apologized and I'm done with it so.

9th February 2015.

Probably fell asleep yesterday. I really need to update one day at the time but ok here you go, 3 days in one.

So right now its 11:39pm. And in like 20 minutes both my mum and my friend are celebrating their birthday! :) my mum is turning 55 and my friend is turning 18!

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School went so damn slow today and I'm only getting more anxious and its just pure hell. Tomorrow I got an important maths test and if I fail that one I got very big problems. Anyways I still don't have faith in passing it but.. I spend every day I got on it and I only just stopped, started at 6pm and even spend some hours on it on school. I just have to pass this one. I really do.

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I'm 155 days clean, cool huh?

And yeah I'm pissed af bc I dont know if you guys even know what it is but: "flugel" its alcohol and its so good, it are shots. They taste sweet. Best thing ever. But at the last day of December '14 I drank 24 of them and my mum thought that was too much so now she won't buy them and I'm not 18 yet so I can't buy them myself. Dayum I really need that stuff. Haven't had any since 1st day of '15.

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Soooo I'm tired & annoyed af so I'm  ending this now. If you got stuff to say comment or send a message please. Love you all, stay strong.

IM SOOOO TIRED OMG.