My story.

80.

18 February 2015.

Ok so I'm bad, like really bad. I'm using the word wrecked, because that's literally what I am. I'm exhausted, could cry any moment and I'm just fucking numb you know. Everything hurts, inside & out. I need comfort but I can't get it.

I just had to write something, and this time not really for you like yesterday I was about to write a whole page full of "shit shit shit shit" and stuff. But instead I fell asleep.

Another thing that sucks is that not only I am broken, but a few of my closest friends are too. Not because of the same reasons but still. Tell me how on earth I'm supposed to comfort them and fix them when I can't even fix myself. I don't know what to do and it sucks. Everything sucks. I do want to help them, I just don't know how.

Everything makes me sad, when I just was recovering someone kicks in and ruins it..

This guy, close friend, is literally never here to talk to me anymore, and tbh he is the one I love the most in my entire life so when he's not here it's very hard and painful. So when I'm finally a bit over the fact he's not here for so long, he kinda just comes back, talks to me and then randomly leaves without saying bye or anything and its so hard to reach him again bc he shares an account with someone else and its just not so nice in my opinion to constantly ask for him. Bc I literally never know who's on. So when he leaves, it hurts like hell and I end up missing him more. This repeats constantly. It hurts so fucking much. But I can't do shit about it.

Its just all shit.

And btw why is it always so cold at school fuckin hell. And all the kids in my class are dickheads.

Last night I was so broken all I literally did was lying in bed because I did not have any tears left. It hurt so freaking much, because all you really need is comfort but you can't get it.

Now I'm here at school, in a crowd of people because break. I'm pretty anxious and I look like shit today. I'm just here on my phone, my eyes are heavy and hurt, my heart hurts and tbh I could cry any moment.

People know so less about me, nobody really knows me, no one knows about my past, my scars, the demons, depression and that I'm suicidial. And no one really cares.

I don't really know what to talk about, what else to say.. Its all so goddamn hard. I just really, really wish I wasn't born in first place, because yes, earth is shit. I wish I could go to a happier place. Also, I kinda believe in god but not hardcore, however if I ever reach heaven I would like to ask some questions, for example, why? Just why.

I dont want to go to school and be in contact with annoying and judging people all day, lol I just want to live the happy live without social media and with chickennuggets & mc Donalds food and candy and just eat and lay in bed. To be honest.

Its currently 12am and I'm in bed, finally. When I got home around 4pm, I decided I was going to be happy for the rest of the day. I turned off my twitter notifications and refused to let anything make my smile disappear. Its hard though because I have to constantly repeat "keep smiling" in my head to do it. But I kinda did it. I blasted all 4 albums of one directions through my room & just enjoyed it. They make me so happy. & yeah that's what I did.. I guess from now on I'm gonna try to be a bit more positive!

Btw this day has gone by so fast.. The last time I checked it was 11pm and now almost 12:30 am.

I'm exhausted so goodnight, see ya later lovelies :)

& 165 days clean, & my friend 100 days im so freakin proud!!! Love you es <3

&&& look at the picture because its beyond perfect! My cute sunshine ❤