My story.

74.

29 December 2014.
- 10:27am-

Long time no see. I'm so sorry. I've been doing so shit and I just couldn't get motivation. I think I've got a bit now.

So the past days, well weeks, maybe a month.. Have been absolute shit. You know I ended with my classmates, they were absolutely horrible. So for a tv program in my country we could win to attend an interview with One Direction. Once in a lifetime change, so I joined. At first it was all good with Photoshop things and drawing, but then we had to sing. First things first, I can't sing. And don't you dare thinking like it can't be that bad. Because it can. I sing like a guy. I. Can't. Sing. But I wanted to win so I did. I think on Tuesday evening I posted the video and everything was fine but when I woke up I got at least 15 messages saying how bad I was and some really nasty comments. So that was it, my classmates found the video. It was going to be hell from the minute I stepped into the thing called school. I wasn't wrong. It. Was. Hell.

(So I'd like to say I didn't follow any of them classmates on where I posted the video. What I also can say now, I blocked them all. In the explanation I did put the words 'I can't sing, but I'm never going to get this change again so I have to try' my friends were amazing and supportive and they fought my classmates, but it was a terrible time)

So the minute I stepped into my school, I went with my brother to a thing where you have to go to make enough hours. Its stupid af. I went not to go sit there though, I absolutely hate it there because there's not a thing you may do; earins, phones, food, hats, aren't allowed, you can't sit in groups, you HAVE to be busy with school stuff otherwise you get kicked out. And I have to make 4 hours a week. Just saying. Its the worst thing ever.

So I walked in there straight to my friend, anxious as hell because I already spotted my classmates. I asked her for a dutch book I needed and she gave it. When I was ready to leave one guy said 'lol have you seen what M/N did? Its terrible' and they all laughed. So I went up there and told him right in his face to shut up because at least I tried. He replied with: 'I didn't react though'. Yeah like that matters. You did make fun of me you asshole. So I walked off, feeling tears in my eyes.

Later that day in dutch class where my whole class was together, they all talked about me and laughed at me and I swear it was the worst thing ever. And the fact I still had that video uploaded, I couldn't delete it until the crew of the program saw it, my classmates still could see it. I blocked them all, but still. A few hours later I put my account on private,  just to receive endless asks if they could be my friend on there. I refused to them all.

That day was a hell. You know after school that day I saw one lonely as guy walking to his bike so I ran up to him and said "do you know how terrible it feels when your whole class judges you for your dreams? You know for yourself that I ain't getting that change ever again' again I got the answer 'but I didn't comment though'. Then I literally screamed out of anger. He got scared and cycled away, fast. Next thing I broke down.

At home I deleted the video and made a new one on another account, luckily my classmates never found that one. Ever since I don't really like my class anymore.

--

So since like 2 weeks ago things are really bad again. I reached 100 days clean but today I am 113. I promise you, 10 January will be the day I cut again. I have been in so many breakdowns, I am suicidal again and almost attempted last night. My friends let me down. My friends said I was annoying. I don't think I should my friends still call 'my friends' but to be honest I can't be without them.

I'm scared of myself right now because I know I'm going to relapse soon and it won't be pretty.

--

My Q&A wasn't a success because only one person actually asked something.

Q: "How do you manage to stay emotionally strong enough to stay clean?"

A: 'I'm not strong. I'm just holding on for a few friends of mine.' (I'm going to mix the rest of the answer with the 'story'" The first 70 days were the worst. I kept having terrible struggles, but now I'm what you can call 'fine' I don't really feel the need to cut anymore, only when I'm really down like now. I lost the addiction a bit because in my eyes it doesn't help anyway. What's the big deal about cutting and getting pain or getting drunk if you're still there the next day? If I can be really honest, the only thing I really want is to be gone. If I had a gun, I wouldn't think twice to pull the trigger. You don't know how much I want that.

For a few reasons; first of all I'm tired of everything. The pain. The struggles, the depression, anxiety, sadness, numbness. Everything.

Secondly; nobody (except niall probably) really needs me. Don't even try to fight me on this because you know it's true. My family and friends are all better off without me because all I do is bother them. I can't ever do anything right. I'm never good enough. I'm what you call "clingy" or from what they told me. I'm sorry I got too attached. I'm sorry I love you. I'm sorry you're one of the few people I got left. I'm sorry for existing.

I. Just. Want. It. To. Be. Over."

--
6pm.

So about today, Don't worry I'm okay :) I hung out with my best friend all day. His boyfriend and him broke up so he could really need some cheering up. We had a great time and it did cheer me up too! I'm almost stress relieved too, only thing that sucks is I got exams right after this break so I still have to be busy with school stuff.

I'm doing better now but my parents are home and I don't know but they annoy me so much and we have fights every day and I really feel like they're about to snap. So I'm probably just going upstairs in a few. I guess I'm ok for now but I guess I'll wait till tonight..

That's all I wanted to tell you I guess :)

You know I don't even know who reads this but I'm glad you do. I'm sorry for being so pissed off sometimes.

Bye :)