My story.

chapter 17

15th July

- 3pm -

I woke up early today because I had to go to the hospital today. It was around 10 and I didn't get too great news. My foot, the wound got an infection. That's why the pain didn't go away and only became worse. I got medicines for that now.

The only annoying thing is that people on this campsite are judging so much. Like yeah it's only my foot but mind your own damn business, you don't even know what happened and what it looked like before it got stitched up. Stitched up. Doesn't that already say enough? I can barely walk man so go judge yourself and get the fuck out.

- 6pm -

I've done nothing all day. Im so pissed I cant swim until monday :s.

- 12:38am -

I know its 'tomorrow' already but I'm still not asleep so I think its still 'today'.

Well nights are deffo terrible. I was doing so great and then depression walks in like "fuck you you ain't gonna be happy now. And sleep? Nah forget that too." I'm seriously in tears now. No I know depression isn't crying. But depression makes me. I'm so fucked up. I'm so tired of it. And insecurity & anxiety aren't making stuff better..

I just feel so so so horrible :( Sometimes I just think 'If I had the balls to slit my wrists back then I wouldn't go through this kind of shit now and I might even be in a happy place'. 'But ofcourse I haven't and I'm still here' I think while biting my lips and fighting the tears. It doesn't help though. My sheets and pillows are soaked with tears. Fuck my life. If my foot wasn't cut that deep I wouldn't have start thinking about selfharming in general. Yes this was an accident but what if I did this to myself? What if I actually would cut that deep..? And survive? Right. I can't risk it. But what then? What can I do to make this damnit pain go away? I don't know.

Guess I better go to sleep..

Goodbye..

♡