My story.

82.

6th April 2015.

Hi guys, these days have been really tough for me and that's why I haven't been writing. If you have read the chapters before this one, you'd know my mum has beaten me again. Ever since I have been going through a lot of anxiety and all of my problems including depression have gotten even worse. I'm trying really hard to get myself together, but its hard to pick up what's broken. It really sucks, because before the things that have occurred I was fine. I was doing so good and there's nothing left of that now.

I can't really concentrate so it will be just another messy chapter, trying to put these days together. Like a messy journal or diary you know?

I've been wondering though, I'm on my 82nd chapter now and most books end around 70/80 or 100? What should I do? I'm far from ready with writing but I'm afraid you'll stop reading if I continue because its gonna be a lot of chapters to read. So what should I do? Either continue or make a new one? Like My story 2.0.

Soooo last week, Wednesday, I had exams (which ended on Wednesday) and ever since I have literally done nothing more than lying in bed till at least 1pm and sleeping and eating. Literally. No regrets. I get up at 1 and stay up till 4am. I don't really care about being around my parents anymore, I'm really just done.

I've also been really triggered so I almost cut, argh you don't understand how much I want to, still. But I didn't so I'm 212 days clean.

Do you remember my twitter friend? That boy? I haven't spoken to him for a very long time and I miss him so much it hurts.

This is soo messy btw sorry.

What's else left to tell..

8th April 2015,
- 8:07 pm -

I'm with my grandma and family at the moment, because it's her 82nd birthday. We've been here for an hour now. Today has been half-half. It started shit, I apparently pissed a very good friend off while I got more right to get pissed than her, but of course I got blamed. Anyways she's mad as hell. And its pretty hard because I said I'd give her space but... I got too attached so its hard. She told me I had to stop talking to her because 'I would always say that, then talk to her again 3 days later' I know that's true, but I gotta do this, I need to do this otherwise I'll lose her. It's so hard. I don't even know how I'm going to apologize.

Further along the day I became a bit happier and I forgot about it sometimes, which was really good, but I still feel sad. I just hope that if I just focus on good things this week and go try to forget about all the shitty things, I'll be able to give my friend enough space and figure something out about the apologies.

But what really sucks is attachment, like why does it even exist? You only get fucking hurt. Really, someone please teach me how not to get attached.

Alsooo I'm taking really long for this chapter sorry, but I go through a lot and this story is already long af so I'd rather make a longer chapter right now then make more and shorter ones.

Anyways, The Fast And The Furious 7 is out here so I'm seeing it on Saturday, in two days. I'm a big fan, like I'm not a boy but the 'TFATF' movies are really good ones. Gonna be a good cry though, I made the dumb mistake to watch Paul Walker's tribute video on YouTube and I spend the entire day crying, no joke. If YouTube let's me I'll attach it to this chapter. The song, See You Again, was like made for the video, just the entire movie could fit in this song. Its really emotional and most of all when at the end Vin Diesel is driving away and stops at a crossroad and Paul Walker's the one who drives by. "Did you really think you could go without saying goodbye?" Are his words. 'One last ride.' See You Again starts playing and flashbacks from Paul from the fast & furious 1,2,3,4,5 & 6 are shown. If you aren't crying by then, Paul and Vin split ways while Vin says: "No matter where you are, whether its a quarter mile away or halfway a cross the world, you'll always be with me and you'll always be my brother" - and then the two cars split. The camera follows Paul's car into the mountains, and then everything fades and the screen gets white. "For Paul" is shown on the screen. I swear to god I cried so hard. Its so hard and emotional and the metaphor 'one last ride' and when the cars split ways and just everything, is so so sad. I'm seeing it on Saturday and I'm gonna cry so hard there oh my god.