My story.

pointless

23rd October 2014.

It's 5:15pm and I just watched the fault in our stars. I literally can't stop crying. Just to let you know how hard it is, I haven't cried like this since I last attempted suicide. Can you imagine? Now I really can't stop crying and I feel so bad and stuff only keeps adding up and I can't take it much longer.

The boys just added tour dates and just at the point I thought it couldn't get worse, Holland is not at the list. I know I should be happy for other countries but you know, it hurts. Those boys are the only source of positivity left in my life and if I can't go to see them again I honestly don't know what to do.

You know, I really tried. I really tried being happy. Being there. Hanging on. Cheering up. I did I promise. But I can't. I just can't. It's worthless. So a big sorry to everyone I'm hurting by saying this, but I just can't do it. I'm sorry.

I just need a break from life. I need a break from my phone. I need a break from all the goddamn messages at it, I need a break from my family, I need a break from school, all the drama and depression, anxiety and struggle, war and peace it doesn't even matter, I need a break from this hopeless place called earth. Probably beautiful enough for anyone without anything like me but a hell for me. Can someone please get me to the exit now? Because I can't take this any longer.

Every piece of me is broken and I can't be fixed anymore. Never will. It's impossible. I'm doomed. I'm a mess. I'm a wreck. You know, I've been thinking about this. I'm 46 days clean now and what happened to me? I've only become worse. There is no point at staying clean if it doesn't help. Cutting isn't dangerous, you just have to have control in it. And if my demons take over me, let them. I don't deserve to be here and I don't even want it anymore, so will you open the exit for me and let me leave or do you want me to do it myself?