My story.

75.

3 Januari 2015.

- 12:40 -

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Ok haha, I just realized I didn't even write on NYE, sorry. Ermm I'll just start telling about that.

- 31 December 2014 -

So I think I got out of bed at 11 am. My town is small, but fun. I really enjoy living here because its quite and surrounded by fields, its really pretty. The people here are very nice and I almost know everyone. My horse, well 'my', I care for her and ride her but she isn't exactly mine.

Also, my town doesn't really care for rules. Which is fine by me because that makes it fun. The government here (I don't even know if I told you but I live in The Netherlands) decided to set the time for fireworks up at 6 PM. (We can light fireworks here all by ourselves and its real fun) but of course my town didn't give a f'ck about it and started lighting it when they wanted. That day I got up to watch them and also light them myself. I also wenft to watch carbid shooting (Google it if you don't know what that is :')) In the evening my best friend joined me and we made a fire outside. It was a lot of fun. At 12am we lighted the rest of our fireworks and because we live in a town surrounded by fields we could see all the fireworks of other towns; so beautiful.

I'm going to go stop here about that day because right now it is 1 in the morning. The date is 11 January 2015. 9 January was my birthday: I'm 17 now. It's sick, because I have been depressed for 3 years now and I still didn't recover.

Sorry, just a massive sorry I can't finish chapters within a day and can't update within only a few days. I just don't have the motivation to and most of the time my emotions are so fucked up that all I really want to do is cry and die. I have been so so bad lately you don't even want to know.

It's one of those nights again you know you're not going to sleep. You're just going to over think and feel worse till you cry. Actually I'm already close to crying right now. Also, I'm 126 days clean but the struggle of cutting is back. But.. its so hard. I'm staying clean for niall and I don't want to disappoint him.. even though he doesn't know me and I keep thinking of how long 126 days is, so when I cut again it will take so long to be clean for 100 days again.

Ugh I'm sorry I'm trash and this is trash and this chapter is even more trash.

I just don't know anymore. I just want a car to fucking hit me. I'm so so done and I keep telling people I'm fine when I'm not because I have no one and I can't trust the people I know either. I just want to be gone so I stop bothering people.

This is so messed up. Guys if you wanna say anything about anything comment or message me. I'm going to spend the rest of the night crying in pain. Love you all. Bye.