My story.

day two

*This part has parts of selfharming in it, so if you find that triggering, don't read*

It's 8am and my mum wakes me up, tells me the things I gotta do today and tells me to get up. Then leaves for work. (She is a doctors assistant)(sorry if I didn't translate that well) I'm so tired I just fall back asleep. I wake up again at 11:23am. Noticing its a bit late but oh well who cares? Right, not me.

So I open twitter. Scroll through my mentions, and dm's. Then I take a look at my timeline and I see everyone tweeting "#wwatquestions". Great. What on earth did I missed this time?! I go to onedirection's page and hell yeah there it is. Why didn't I get a notification? Oh well. I retweet the tweet and close twitter, I'm done and there's nothing new anyway.

By now it's 12:04pm. Fuck. Gotta get out of bed. I really don't want to but guess I don't have a choice. I hear the rain outside and hate this day already even more. I hate rain. I used to like it but then I had to cycle in it and yeah, that's where it became worse. Well it won't bother me though, I'm not planning to go outside.

I look left, on my shelf and see my blades. Then I make a dumb desicion and take them. I can't resist the feeling of cutting and take them across my skin. They are on the back of my leg so hopefully ain't nobody is going to notice.

Fuck. That was really, really dumb. Why did I just have to do that? Fuck fuck FUCK. My mind is a mess and I don't know how to fix it right now..

I decided to make a cup of tea, that often calms me down. I sit down on the couch and drink it. Yeah that feels better.

I jump behind the pc and start some stuff my mum told me. It's boring and I want some music so I blast Little white lies by one direction through the house. Oh I love being homealone!

Well what I was supposed to do won't work and I'm getting really frustrated. My mind is saying things like: "you worthless bitch you can't ever do anything right. Now go cry. Go cut. Nobody likes you, you see you can't even do this simple thing". And from here I know my situation is getting dangerous. Even though I already knew I was getting worse days. *After better days there always comes a REALLY bad period of days, my worst days*.

I decide to go on working, cleaning the house. Even though I'd rather cry. But if I start crying I can't stop and then no work is going to happen today and my mum will get angry. So I start working, my eyes filled with tears.

I still have music on, and it blasts through the house. It feels good, and I'm doing better aswel. The tears have gone away and I catch myself singing. Well that's good.

I finished the first part of the house. I think it's time for a break. I take a look at the clock and see it's 1:40pm already. I'm quite proud of myself.

My feelings:

Where even do I start describing my feelings..

I feel numb the whole day through, I'm exhausted, My mind is absolutely killing me. Like at first I would like to eat something but the voices in my head scream: "wait.. you wanted to loose weight remember? Don't eat bitch. You will regret that SO much."  But they aren't the only voices. I also have ""I don't give a fuck"" voices. They say things like: "whatever, go eat, you'll never loose weight anyway. It's all pointless"  So my 'voices' basically fight in my mind. And that's really exhausting. I think that's pretty much it for so far.

2:28pm.

I still haven't done a thing. I'm so done, I think I'm getting sick. I'm crying, falling apart and in alot of pain.

What is even the point in living? I don't get it. I'm not trying suicide yet but if a car hit me I don't think I'd mind.

I have to say, somewhere in my life, niall horan came around. he saved my life somehow last year and I'm really thankful for that.