The Guide To Moving On

Chapter 27 - Insane

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of panic attacks, mental health issues and nightmares. Please skip this chapter if any of those topics are a concern for you. Remember, you are important, so please take care of yourselves!

Thank you!

Natasha's POV

It had been a week since I confronted Steve in the training room. He had seemed to follow my advice and resumed his normal routine. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't talked to anyone about his issues which is concerning, but I am willing to give him time to open up to someone. 

He will come around, but I think he is having trouble with trusting people, especially with the amount of people he has lost, all in good time though.  

Truth is, whilst Steve was getting better, I was getting worse. Ever since I spent those two nights with Steve in that tent, I have been having constant nightmares that prevent me from sleeping. 

The only way I sleep is when I pass out in exhaustion, only to be woken up shortly after with another nightmare. They are getting worse now, not just about my past, but my future as well, which is terrifying. 

It is also becoming harder and harder to calm myself down afterwards, my old calming tactics aren't working any more and my panic attacks can last for hours. 

I have only had bout half an hour of sleep per night and it is getting to the point where not even makeup is hiding the bags under my eyes anymore. To the point where Clint asked if I was seeing someone due to the amount of makeup that I am wearing constantly. 

I fobbed him off, but I knew deep down that my mental health was deteriorating rapidly. 

Each day, everyone and everything is getting harder to bear. 2 days ago, I pulled a gun on Bruce because he ate the last of my favourite cereal that I had been looking forward to all morning. Then yesterday, I gave Tony a blood nose because he teased me about having a bad hair day. 

What he didn't know is that I had been up since midnight having a panic attack, running my hands through my hair to calm myself and then was too tired to bother fixing it up before I went to breakfast.  

It has gotten to the point where all of the boys are terrified of me, when I enter a room their eyes widen and they all try not to interact with me for fear I may hurt them. 

I know it is not a good thing, but there is nothing I feel I can do to stop it. 

I opened the door and walked into my bedroom, immediately grabbing one of my many bottles of vodka and chugging the entire thing. Alcohol at least made me feel a little better for an hour or so, I know it is not good, but it provides a relief I so sorely needed. 

I threw the bottle into the bin and flopped on the couch in pure exhaustion. Last night, I had gotten 20 minutes of sleep in total.

I heard a click as I did so and I didn't even have enough time to look up before dozens on party poppers exploded, coating me in streamers and scaring me half to death.

I screamed as it happened, right as I heard footsteps thunder down the corridor. I shot up, colourful words continually spewing from my mouth. I rushed out and chased the person who was currently running from me. Clint. Of course he pranked me. 

Now he is going to die. 

I could hear someone emerge from their room behind me but I didn't care, I had one goal, the short man ahead. Clint headed for the stairs not bothering to take his chances with the elevator, I was hot on his heels and someone was catching up to me too.