The Guide To Moving On

Chapter 47 - The Question

Natasha's POV

Our honeymoon had gone just as expected. Amazingly. 

Steve had surprised me by taking me to a secluded villa in Bora Bora and we had the best time swimming, snorkelling, sunbaking and just having an all-round relaxing break. I think my favourite part of our honeymoon was spending late afternoons with Steve sitting on a small net suspended just above the ocean, eating snacks, watching the sunset and talking about anything and everything. 

"You know, when I was a kid, I dreamed of going on a holiday somewhere just like this." I sighed as I leaned further into Steve's side and watching the sky turn beautiful hues of red, orange and pink. 

"Well, I am glad I could make that wish come true. But I can't say that I imagined the same thing." He responded and I looked at him carefully. 

"Oh?" Was all I said as I waited for him to elaborate. 

"Well, back then, I never even thought that I would get a wife at all considering my life expectancy wasn't expected to see me through to the age that I would become a man. But even if I did for some miracle, I never imagined that something like this could exist, a typical 1940s view of the world was fairly narrow." He explained and I nodded slowly. I could tell that there was more behind what he was saying but I decided not to pry, he would tell me when and if he is ready. 

"Well that got serious real quick." I noted and he chuckled softly. 

"You started it, but I can promise you, that this will not be the only time you see a place like this for a holiday." He retorted and I arched an eyebrow. 

"Clearly you have plans... care to tell me about them?" I asked poking him in the side jokingly. 

"Well, I think that this would be a cool place to take our family in a few years. I think that children would really enjoy a place like this." He replied matter-of-factly, like it was the surest thing in the world. 

"Our family." I whispered, tasting the words in mouth, not something that I have considered before, mostly because there is nothing to be considered. What is done is done and there is no undoing it. 

"Did I say something wrong?" Steve asked, looking into my eyes worriedly as he noticed my sudden change in demeanour. 

"No you didn't. Its just me." I responded quietly, hoping that Steve was going to let it go and we could go back to enjoying the sunset, instead of me completely having to ruin the mood. 

"What's just you?" Steve pushed and I sighed, knowing that I had no other choice but to tell him the truth. 

"I- I know that I should've told you this earlier, but Steve... I can't have kids. As part of the Red Room, there was something called the Graduation Ceremony. And as part of that- they sterilize you. Makes everything easier, even killing." I woefully admitted, and I fiddled with my hands, trying to avoid Steve's gaze so that he wouldn't see the tears that were quickly gathering in my eyes. 

But, like the amazing husband that he is, of course he picked up on the fact that I was nearly crying whilst telling him this, he knew me so well that there was really nothing that I could hide from him anymore. 

"Nat" was all he said which caused me to look up at him on instinct. The look in his eyes was something that I could read easily; sympathy, sadness but the strangest emotion I could see in his eyes was love and adoration. What about my confession could be loved? It made me worthless; a monster even. Why couldn't he see that? 

"Before you argue with me, hear me out." Steve started and I watched him intently in anticipation, "I know what you are telling yourself right now, that because of this tiny flaw it makes you a monster. But it doesn't, you are still the most beautiful, strong woman in the world, in fact this confession only makes me think you are stronger - not weak." He soothed, wrapping me into a side hug as we lay on the net. 

"You are special to me no matter what. That won't change over something as insignificant as this. Besides, if we want to have a family in the future, there are more than one way to go about it. We will make it happen when and if the time comes." He reassured me and I felt a little better. 

It wasn't like his words would magically heal me, or that I would suddenly feel better. But it did make things a little easier knowing that the love of my life wouldn't hold it against me and that he was willing to find another way to have a family if that is what we desired. 

We spent the rest of the evening in silence, watching the sunset and just enjoying each others presence. By the time they were ready for bed, they were both exhausted and waisted no time falling asleep in each others arms. 

Only, my thoughts were not kind to me tonight. 

Steve's POV

I woke to the sound of ear-splitting screams which quickly made me regain my senses. I had spent enough time sleeping with Nat to know exactly what was going on and waisted no time waking Natasha up from her nightmare. 

She actually hadn't had one since she got here, but I have a feeling that our sunset conversation brought up some things that Nat had buried inside her head for quite some time which most likely triggered the nightmares.

"Nat! Nat sweetie, wake up!" I called into her ear whilst I shook her gently and within a few seconds she sat bolt upright in the bed and her screams died away. They were replaced by heavy breathing and tears so I got behind her and wrapped my arms around her, allowing her to feel safe as she came back to her senses. 

It only took around 20 minutes before her sobbing turned into sniffles and her heartrate and breathing returned to normal. 

"Thanks Steve." She mumbled weakly and I kissed her neck in response. I knew better than to push her to talk about it now, she rather preferred to talk about it the morning after once she had processed it herself so we laid back down and snuggled together once again. 

For the rest of the morning and most the day, we lounged around just enjoying each others company and being lazy, particularly after a fairly rough night last night with her nightmares or as she referred to them, 'memories'. 

I wish I could take all of her pain away, but I know that I can't. 

The best thing that I can do, the best thing anyone can do, is be there and be the best husband that I can possibly be to her.