The Guide To Moving On

Chapter 34 - What Did I Do?

Steve's POV

What have I done? I pushed her too far, I should've let her go long before I did. Now she had run into her room, locking me out. At first I tried knocking and calling out to her, but in the end I gave up and slid down her door to the ground. 

That's where I have been for the past hour and a half. I can hear her sobs and it is breaking my heart that she won't let me in to calm her, yet I know why. And if I were in her shoes, I would do the same thing. 

But what I do know, is that I am not going anywhere until I know that Nat is ok, and I make it up to her. I had confronted her to make things better, but all I ended up doing was making things worse. 

I sat there in silence for another 10 minutes, waiting for her to let me back in. Finally, the door cracked open and I stood up quickly, facing her. She looked a mess, her hair dishevelled, makeup running, eyes and nose puffy and red. 

Yet, even with all of that, she was still the most beautiful girl in the world in my eyes. There wasn't a single thing that I would change about her. She opened the door a little wider when she saw me, her eyes wide in shock. 

"You stayed." She croaked and let me into her apartment, both of us wordlessly going and sitting on her couch. 

"Of course. I wouldn't leave you without apologising and making sure that you are ok." I replied and she looked down, fiddling with her fingers in her lap. 

"Look, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you so far, nor backed you into a corner that you didn't feel safe in. It was a dick move and I truly am sorry." I said and she looked up at me blankly. 

"Language." She reprimanded softly, a little smile spreading onto her face. 

"If it is any consolation, the reason I asked you about what I did was because- because if you did like me, I wanted you to know that I felt the same." I told her softly, staring deep into her eyes. I wanted to get it over with, if she wanted to push me away and never see me again after this, I just wanted her to know how I felt first. 

She looked down and took a deep breath before staring back up at me. 

"You really mean that?" She asked, and I could see the tension in her features. 

"Every word." I replied simply and I saw something in her change. 

"W-well, umm, in that case, I- I guess I shouldn't lie to you anymore." Her voice cracking as she said so. I just patiently waited for her to continue, though I was internally crossing my fingers. 

"I- I meant what I said the other night. I may not remember saying it, but I meant it. I do like you Steve." She said, a gleeful smile spreading on both our faces. She looked down again and frowned. 

"I care about you far too much, and it scares me." She admitted quietly, turning and burying her head into my shoulder. My hand almost automatically started rubbing circles on her back.

"In the Red Room, they taught you not to love, that love was a weakness. I have never let myself stray from their teachings before, I have never let myself love. I am scared." She admitted quietly and I sighed softly. 

Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of her for being so open and I am forever grateful for her choosing me to be that person. However, hearing these kind of things come out of her mouth, the past that she has lived, it is like a stab to my heart, every time. I care about her so much that I actually feel her pain personally. 

"I'll wait for you." I whispered, kissing her hair gently. 

"But what if that is too long, and you give up on me? Or what if I open up and you leave, like everyone else?" She asked and I looked down at her, lifting her off my chest slightly so that she could look at me properly. 

"I will never give up on you, I care about you far too much for that. I wouldn't never hurt or leave you. Ever." I replied in a confident tone, trying to make her see just how serious I am about this. I have not come this far for some lousy fling. 

"But it's still not fair on you. I just- I guess I am not ready for the others to find out just yet. I don't want to learn how to like someone whilst being under the scrutiny of everyone else." She told and I smiled softly, coming up with an idea to ease her concerns. 

"What if we didn't tell them? Well, not yet anyway, not until you are ready." I said and she looked at me pensively, considering it. 

"Like a secret relationship?" She clarified and I nodded. 

"That actually is a pretty good idea." She said and I smiled wider. 

 "Well then, Natasha Romanoff, will you be my secret girlfriend?" I asked her, a giddy smile spreading across my face.

"Yes." She replied, her smile matching mine as she launched herself around my middle. I leaned down, kissing her head and inhaling her intoxicating scent. 

We stayed there for who knows how long, just savouring the feeling of being in each others arms. It's not like we haven't hugged before, but it feels different now. Like we don't have to hide our feelings anymore and we don't have to hide behind the 'friendly' façade. 

It's nice, especially to know that the last few days of going around my feelings in my head has paid off. 

I got my girl, and there is nothing stopping me from doing everything in my power to keep her.