The Guide To Moving On

Chapter 28 - Natasha?

TRIGGER WARNING: Please skip this chapter if mentions of panic attacks and nightmares are, in any way, an issue for you. Take care of yourselves and each other!

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Nat's POV

"Natasha?" He called again. I couldn't ignore his question any longer, it wasn't fair on him. But the issue is, I have no idea how to put my thoughts into words. I blame the fact that I'm sobbing and too tired to think straight. 

I stared at him for a few more seconds before I took a breath and tried to stem, with no avail, the hot tears that were rushing down my face. 

"I-I c-ca-can't." I began but the second I started thinking about what I was going to say, I was sobbing again. 

"Can't what?" He asked softly, staring deep into my eyes and playing with my hair with the hand that wasn't propping his head up. The way he was looking at me, with such care and sympathy was enough to make me cry worse, so I looked down before continuing. 

"I can't sleep." I struggled out slowly between sobs. He remained silent and waited patiently for me to continue, gently wiping away some of my tears from my cheek.

"E-ever since the camping trip." I continued slowly, still trying to figure out how to verbalise my emotions. Yet he was patient and didn't once try to push me into admitting anything. Something that no one else, not even Clint, has ever done for me before. 

"Each night, I would be lucky if I get an hour of broken sleep. Because- I've been having night-." I couldn't even finish my sentence before I burst into tears again. I latched onto Steve's shirt again, and he wrapped his arms tight around me.

"Jesus, Nat." He mumbled quietly as his arms rubbed circles into my back. It took me a minute to calm down enough to continue talking. 

"When I used get nightmares, they are always about my gruesome past and I learnt how to deal with it. But ever since the camping trip, they have been different. They are now about my future as well and that is the bit that is the most terrifying." I told him, my shaky voice muffled by his chest. 

I didn't look up at him, I would rather avoid the judgemental looks that he is probably giving me right now. Everyone does, I open up about my past, they judge me and leave as quick as they can. I pushed it aside and continued anyway, if I was going to scare Steve off, I may as well do it properly. 

"The worst part is when I wake up, half the time I can't even tell if I am awake or still in the dream and I have panic attacks that last for hours. None of my old calming methods are working and I just have to wait for it to be over." I admitted and buried my head further into his chest.

My tears were still flowing like an endless stream, soaking Steve's shirt. He didn't seem to mind though, and just continued to hold me close. 

"It is a continuous cycle. Every. Single. Night." I said, pausing between each word to let out a sob. I was shaking violently now, even speaking of my nightmares and panic attacks was enough to tip me over the edge. 

I felt weak, helpless, like there was nothing I could do to climb back out of the endless hole I have fallen in. I have truly hit rock bottom. 

And yet, even still, Steve was there. Holding me, making me feel safe, loved even. My little haven of safety and protection in his arms. Even when I was at my weakest, he was still there, to hold me until I was strong again. If that is not the true mark of an amazing guy, I have no idea what is.