13 Flames | gxg

52 - alive

Lexa

I wake up the next morning to an empty bed. Sophie must've slipped out early this morning. I don't mind really. I've always hated waking up after a one night stand. It's so awkward. And I have way too much of a hangover to deal with that right now.

I roll away from the sunlight sneaking through the closed curtains. My bedsheets smell like sex. I know I should wash them but all I want to do right now is go back to bed.

Last night was the first time I've slept with someone since breaking things off with James. And it was supposed to be my wedding day. Trust me, I'm more than pissed about that. But the majority of my thoughts circle around Palmer, not James. I think I might've heard her and the boy last night, after Sophie and I went to bed. The sounds made me feel sick, and the nausea wasn't helped by the alcohol. Thinking of being sick, I pull myself from the covers and stumble to the toilet, where I proceed to puke my guts out. It's been some time since I drank as much as I did last night. After drinking about a gallon of water and brushing my teeth twice, I take three Advil and lie on the bathroom floor.

I want Palmer. Not in a sexy way, not right now, at least. I want her arms around me, her hands holding my hair back, her head nuzzled against mine as we sit through our hangovers together. And I could go to her, if I wanted. She's across the apartment. It's not like she's in Paris.

After mustering the will to stand I slink into the living room. I freeze when I see a man's t-shirt at the kitchen island. My headache calms for a moment as I get angry. I grab the shirt and stride towards Palmer's bedroom. I throw open the door. My confidence is diminished for a moment when I see Palmer sleeping peacefully, her hair loose and her naked body tangled in the bed sheets. She's beautiful. But the sight of the man beside her gets me going again. I pound my fist on the doorframe, and they both wake up.

"Lex? What are you do–"

"You," I say to the man. I forgot his name. I throw him his t-shirt. "Time to leave."

"Lexa, it's eight in the morning!" Palmer groans, sinking back into the pillows. Meanwhile, the guy scrambles into his pants, clearly intimidated. Palmer grabs his wrist. "Jason, you can at least stay for breakfast."

I interrupt before he has a chance to say something. "No way. This is my apartment too. Now get out."

Jason decides he'd rather leave now than risk making me angrier. He grabs all his things and heads for the door. "Bye, Palmer," he says with a smile.

Palmer grins back. "Bye."

I glare at him as he leaves and as soon as the front door clicks shut, I step to Palmer's side. She rolls her eyes at me. "What, your girl didn't wanna stay?"

I crinkle my nose and lie on the mattress beside her. "Shut up."

"Um, hello, I'm kind of naked here."

I glance sideways at Palmer as she holds the blankets to her chest. My eyes trace her collarbone, getting lost for a moment in the beauty of her skin. I pull my eyes away and lean back against the pillows. "That's why I'm not under the covers."

"Whatever. Are you going to let me go back to sleep?"

I stay quiet and she rolls away from me. After a moment she rolls back over, snuggling into my side. I smile despite myself. "I slept with a woman last night," I mumble.

"Yeah. I heard," Palmer groans.

My cheeks flush pink. I didn't think she'd be able to hear us. Of course, I heard her and the blonde guy I forgot the name of again.

"I was nervous," I whisper. Palmer inches closer and puts her hand on my arm. "I didn't really know what I was doing. But she kinda walked me through it."

"What was her name?" Palmer asks.

I glance sideways at her but she's not looking at me. "Sophie."

"Was she good?"

"Apparently you could hear us. So what do you think?"

Palmer laughs into my shoulder. "Alright, fair point."

"And your guy...?" I trail off, seriously having forgotten his name.

"Jason. He was good, actually. Better than most guys. Oh, and then afterwards we showered together and he used his fingers–"

"I don't need the details, Palmer," I interrupt. I know I'm blushing but she's still looking away.

Palmer laughs again. The sound puts a smile on my face. "How are you, Lex? I know yesterday was a little rough."

Her words cause a sad smile. Even now, she wants to know how I'm doing. "I'm alright. Just... lonely." Palmer rubs my arm in response.

We sit for a few minutes in silence, enjoying each other's company. "Palmer?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you wish you were with someone else last night?"

Her body tenses beside me. "What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean."

Palmer sighs against my shoulder. I'm wearing a tank top and her breath dances across my bare arm. "Lex, I... I thought you wanted more time," she says, avoiding my question.

"I do."

"Then I don't think I should answer that."

I finally turn to face her, bringing one hand to her chin and forcing her to meet my eyes. "Only one answer to that question would matter, Palmer."

Her eyes flicker to my mouth and I can almost see the conflict in her eyes. "Lexa, I can't," she whispers. "Because if I do, I won't be able to stop myself. I won't be able to stay away from you any longer. You need space and I need to give it to you. And if I do what I want to... it wouldn't exactly be space."

I search her eyes and find sadness, hope, and more than a hint of passion. I know I need time if I ever want something real with Palmer. But here she lies naked beside me, her lips so inviting, her skin warm and her hand on my arm.

I understand what she's saying, because I feel it too. I can't kiss her. If I do, I'll lose what little control I have left. I'll make her mine.

I pull away from Palmer's face resting so close to mine. I turn back to the ceiling and close my eyes, trying to fight sudden tears. "Please stop touching me," I whisper.

Palmer immediately removes her hand from my arm and scoots away. She respects my body in a way no one ever has before. I try to clear the emotion from my throat. "Palmer, I... need to be my own person for a while. And I can't do that when your hands are on me. When you're cuddling with me. When you kiss my forehead. You need to stop..."

"Acting like your girlfriend?" she suggests. I nod and she sighs. I watch from the corner of my eye as she buries her head in her hands. "I get it, Lex. You think it's not driving me crazy, too? But I just don't know how I'm supposed to stop kissing you when I literally get paid to do it."

I smile to myself. "We kiss for the cameras. Because we have to. But outside of filming, we're friends, Palmer. And that's all we can be for some time."

She sighs again. "Okay. I understand. I'll do whatever you ask me too."

My heart swells at her words. I climb off the mattress but look back at the doorway. "Sorry about kicking Jason out."

Palmer smirks. "Don't be. He was leaving soon anyways."

I smile and she returns it with a grin of her own. I step outside the room and close the door behind me. I take a deep breath and rest my head against the doorframe.

I need to stop falling for her. Because this isn't just about sex. It never was. She makes me feel wanted in a way no one ever has. She makes me feel worthy of a relationship that's respectful, and romantic, and right. She makes me... what was the word she used?

Alive.

She makes me feel alive.