Let me love you

Chapter 41

I watch as the raindrops glide down my balcony door, thankfully the rain isn't as heavy as before.

I tried texting Ian again but still, I got nothing in response. I turn and look at the time on my phone, it's only a few minutes past midnight so he'll be awake. I grab my puffer jacket and put it on, deciding that I'll go out and knock on his balcony until he opens up this time. 

I open my door and step out, feeling the very light and small droplets hitting my head. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, letting the rain hit my face before taking a deep breath ready to settle things with Ian once and for all.

I open my eyes and turn them to his balcony only to see him already sitting there and judging by his wet hair I'll say his being there for a while now. He's sitting with his knees bent and his hands resting on them holding a beer.

What the fuck! Ian doesn't like drinking. Where did he even find beer?

"I was expecting you, " his deep voice startles me.

"Why didn't you let me know? I would've come sooner," I say, sitting down and mimicking his posture whilst tacking my jacket closer to my body.

"I wanted this to happen naturally, " he says, not even once glancing at me instead his gaze it's fixed on the night sky.

"Ian, we need to talk about what happened, " I say, playing with the ring on my index finger.

"I know, " he says.

"You can't keep avoiding me forever, " I say.

"I know, " he says again.

The lack of emotion in his voice is starting to bother me for the first time since we met.

"Well let me tell you something you probably don't know, " I say, twisting my body towards him and looking at his side profile.

"I really like you, Ian. As I started to get to know you better my feelings started blossoming for you and now with each passing day they intensified even more. That kiss was the best kiss of my life. I've been drowning in my thoughts about that and you ever since that day and you avoiding me isn't helping me. Did you regret it, is that it? Do you think it was a mistake?" I say, my voice shaking slightly at the end, I don't know whether is due to the cold or my nerves.

Confessing your feelings to someone takes courage, especially when it's a friend that you may lose by doing so.

I was expecting to see something on his face, maybe relief that I feel this way for him or worry depending on what he feels, but his face stays the same blank canvas.

He knows how to hide his emotions well.

"I didn't regret it neither do I see it as a mistake..." he stops talking, taking a swing of his beer.

"But, " I say, feeling my stomach clenching and twisting from the anticipation of his words.

"But I do think that it would be for the best if it never happens again, " he lets out the words I didn't want to hear.

"Why not? Do you not feel the same way? Friends don't just grab their other friends and kiss them like that for nothing, " I say, feeling frustrated with his lack of explanation.

"I don't know what I'm feeling for you okay?! I never felt this way before so I can't even explain it. I never thought that at this point in my life I'll have a chance at romance, is that enough for you?" He raises a bit his voice at me, taking me aback a little. 

"No, it's not enough Ian! If you feel something for me then why not give us a chance? Why not try and figure out your feelings for me together? The closer we come physically the more emotionally distant you get from me why?" I say, raising my voice to match his, clearly, neither of us cares anymore if our parents wake up.