Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 37.

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It's hard to make sense
Feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens

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(Listened to this song on repeat whilst writing this, might have shed a tear or two...)
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Harlow Dean

It's the first time I've managed to bring myself to come here in a while and it doesn't look like Harry was expecting to see a graveyard when I told him I was visiting my mother.

I didn't bother pestering him with joining me to her gravestone, I wouldn't bring him to meet her in real life so I didn't see the point. He waited in the car and told me I could take as long as I needed which was nice, but what else do you say to someone who's just brought you to a graveyard instead of a house?

Other than a family in the opposite corner to my mothers grave, the whole place is empty and that fills me with much more comfort. It's much harder to sit here and not feel awkward when there's lots of people walking around.

The sun is shining and there's very few clouds in the sky, it's almost as if she knew I was coming today and this is her version of cleaning before visitors come, since she can't actually do the cleaning...

I'm not very in touch with my emotions, especially not for someone who feels the extreme of them or nothing. Perhaps that's why I still find it difficult coming here, I never know whether I'm supposed to be sad or if I should be smiling. I feel like if I sat here smiling people would think I'm strange, but I don't want to sit here and look upset because my mum wouldn't want that at all.

Today it's just me and my mother though, no people passing by which means it's however I feel that dictates the way this goes.

I'm really trying to stop blocking out my feelings and start recognising when I'm upset or when I'm angry. I need to start letting myself be sad and letting myself be stressed because I think the fact I block out my sadness until I can't block it out anymore and I'm spiralling into a breakdown is the exact reason for these breakdowns.

I don't feel sad today though, I feel relieved that I've finally grown the courage to come and visit after far too long of putting it off.

The artificial flowers June made up for me had Sunflowers, Roses and some small white flowers so beautifully arranged. My mum loved Sunflowers, she always told me they were happy flowers and since then Sunflowers seem to be my go to.

'Never settle for a man who doesn't buy you flowers every week' she'd tell me.

Consequently I became that person. I buy my own flowers every week.

When I sit myself down in front of the gravestone the sadness begins to creep in, but I won't ignore it, I'm allowed to feel sad. 'Daphne Veronique Dean' engraved into the stone and that picture of her smiling that stares right into my soul each time I come here, the 'beloved granddaughter, daughter and mother' filling me with that strange melancholy pride causing my eyes to gloss over with the tears I'm blinking away.

She was always so happy, always smiling like she is in the picture and I wish I knew how she was really feeling. Behind that everlasting smile she used to wear was a whole world of pain and the worst thing is that nobody would ever have guessed a thing.

"Happy birthday mum, the first one we aren't celebrating together." I say quietly, smiling back at the picture of her.

That's why I chose this photo, it makes visiting a whole lot easier because her smile is so contagious, even in pictures. I don't know why I never got those genes, unfortunately I was blessed with the most unphotogenic face of all time.