Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 42.

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And from the dark to the morning light
She waits beside me and I know that I will feel alright
She's all I want to see
She won't ask why I look in her eyes
I think I've been looking for you all my life
And you ask me what I've been doing with my time
I've been searching for you baby
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Harry Styles

I slept like a baby last night, I was fucking exhausted.

Not once have I had sex that's left me so tired but maybe that's because I wasn't desperately trying to get to my high. Instead I never wanted it to end and I made sure Harlow had just as good of a time as I did. That's not something I usually care about either but hearing her name fall from her sweet lips and even just the way she was purposefully teasing me to begin with was doing crazy things to me.

For somebody who claims to be afraid of intimacy, she did really well and I'm just glad she felt like she could actually go there with me. I don't know if she understands that I genuinely appreciate the fact she was open about wanting to have sex with me but I do. I hope she knows that I actually care about her, I care about her a dangerous amount.

I told her I thought she was beautiful and I did that after I came too. Usually if it's just somebody random I'm with regret and I realise I'm not actually attracted to the person I'm fucking at all. Last night was different though, she was so hot in the moment but afterwards she was beautiful.

I've never had that type of post-nut clarity in my life.

She's always way too quick to hide herself though, which makes me sad because there's nothing to hide but if hiding herself makes her comfortable I'm not gonna force her to stand naked with me in a fully lit bathroom. There wasn't much standing on her part anyway, her legs weren't exactly the strongest afterwards.

In the bathroom we cleaned up and Harlow was pretty quiet although the smile she wore was enough to tell me she was alright. I think it was just a lot of her to grasp, for example if somebody's terrified of heights and then they parachute off the Empire State Building they're gonna be thinking about that for a while. Harlows afraid of intimacy and she just had sex with the guy who used to constantly wind her up about it.

Not my proudest of jokes, that was before I knew about her fear though.

It was also before I read a book on feminism and how it's actually really bad to accuse women of wanting to sleep with you.

When we made it back to bed I was a little unsure of what to do. I didn't know whether to crawl in beside her or sleep in the spare room or sleep downstairs or sleep in the same bed but far away from her. The last thing I'd want is to scare her or push boundaries but it seemed like Harlow didn't mind. She invited me in beside her and then proceeded to fall asleep with her head on my chest.

Maybe the intimacy is a lot for her and that's completely, but this level of intimacy is a first time thing for me, I've never had this.

Harlows the first to fall asleep on me like this, the first to make me smile without even being conscious and the first I've ever willingly let see the softer side of me. I didn't even know I had a softer side.

Adriana would be so proud of me right now.

So would Liam actually, however he doesn't get to know this. As far as he's concerned I don't have a soft side and I'd like to keep it that way. If any of the guys get hold of the fact I fell asleep with a smile on my face because of a girl they'd bully me relentlessly.

I'm notorious for being the guy with no feelings.

Until Harlow.

That's the thing though, I don't know how you're supposed to know that you have feelings for somebody. I didn't grow up with a mother and father in love, I grew up in care with other kids who also had no parents so I genuinely have never seen what love looks like. How am I supposed to know if I'm catching feelings?