Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 58.

°°
But we just always
Seem to just fall out
When I'm most in need of it
And you just always
Seem to just call out
When I'm up for leaving it
°°

Harlow Dean

The second I heard that door slam shut my back slid down my wall until I was sitting in a pile on my bathroom floor unable to hold back the tears. Aside from the cat, I was alone in my house yet I still held my mouth closed with my hands and pinched my eyes shut in the hopes nobody would hear and come to my rescue.

I didn't want rescuing, I just wanted to be okay.

The worst part is I don't think I ever will be okay. I'll always be broken and I'm just gonna learn how to deal with it in a better way, I'll never stop feeling like this.

Every ounce of sadness I've ignored lately was all pouring out of me as I sat relentlessly crying to myself on my bathroom floor, alone completely.

The scary part is that I live in a world surrounded by people. I have my club where I'm friends with each member of staff. I have the coffee shop where I'm on first name terms with one of the baristas. I have the flower shop where the florist is like a genuine grandmother to me...and I still feel so lonely.

Crying silently hurts, but crying silently despite living in a house alone because you've grown so used to being punished for feeling upset is a whole new level of pain. My heart aches and my eyes burn, each time I gasp for a breath it hurts my chest yet I can't seem to pry my hand away from my mouth.

I don't even feel like me, I just feel like a hollow shell of a human that's all cracked. One more hit and it'll shatter into pieces, beyond repair.

I don't even know why I feel like this, I can't even fix it or remove the problem because the problem is me.

Hearing that Harry was one of the last people to ever speak to my mum hurt me, because he acted so unaware of the fact she was dead when I brought him to the graveyard and I just wish he told me he knew.

I was mad at him for a few minutes after he left, mad at him for dealing those drugs to my mother and the toxic part of me even blamed him. However I can't and won't him, my mother's actions are out with his control and trying to point the blame at someone over someone's death does absolutely nothing for nobody.

If it wasn't Harry it would've been somebody else and if anything I should be grateful it was Harry because now I'm safe from a psychopath who's also my biological half brother.

I needed space because I could feel like this comfortably without worrying about what Harry thinks of me, however he stormed straight out of here because of that and there's nobody to blame but myself for feeling lonely.

I do it to myself, I always have.

I never could just admit that I'm upset and talk about it with someone, resolving the issues and then moving forward. I always have to tell everyone I'm fine, a lie I'm so good at telling that nobody ever questions it. Living through other people's smiles is my way of finding happiness because without that, I don't even know how to find my own form of happiness.

Willow hurried upstairs, scurrying right over to me as I sat in a complete mess on my bathroom floor and she licked my tears away with her sandpaper textured tongue. I think she gave up in the end, they were falling too fast for her to be able to get rid of them all so instead she just circled up next to me, purring away at my side and occasionally standing to bash her head against my leg.