ℂ𝕒𝕦𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℕ𝕖𝕠𝕟 𝔾𝕝𝕠𝕨 ➃

40. Insomnia & Opportunities - ✭ Monica ✭

Our long weekend had ended more awkwardly than I had expected. Nothing had ever felt even remotely awkward with Boston, ever. Everything between he and I was always natural.

The silence and tension between us on the jet ride back was palpable. Then there was the kiss at the door of the jet before I had descended the stairs. It was short and sweet, not long and in-depth like our usual, not sensual in the least. The cumbersomeness of it had set the tone for my next few weeks.

I felt robotic during the time leading up to the holiday break. The social aspects of my life I'd avoided as best I could without seeming like something was wrong. I'd made my the usual phone calls to family, to Boston, but I wasn't invested as much as I usually would be.

My head was still too busy wrapping around the decisions I'd made, it still is. Those decision aren't ones that are easily undone. Marriage is a serious thing, something that should last a lifetime. It's something that should be done once you know the ins and outs of your partner, not beforehand.

To keep my mind off of said topics I'd made sure I kept my attention on things I could; like school work. My grades are the best they've ever been, so I guess there's that. Because the moment I took my sights off of a text book or an academic task, my thoughts would become all-consuming. They'd bring me back to the worrisome, inevitable consequences of my actions. My future just sitting there in blank space, in a vast field of the unknown.

It's times like these, sitting alone in my dorm while Marcella is out partying, that my relationship situation comes to the forefront of my mind. It's around two in the morning, the Saturday before break, and Boston still hasn't called me or text me to tell me he's home. I know he usually works late or goes out with Hugo but with the ever-growing distance between us it left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

The thought of him out and about and not letting me know makes me roll over with a huff. He wouldn't do that. He'd let me know. He's only twenty, he shouldn't have to. But we're married... shouldn't he tell me?

What the heck did I do? What did we do?

Regardless of the depressing thoughts rolling through my brain, I can't help but think about his arms wrapped around me. They're comforting, everything about Boston is comforting. He felt like home. It was the oddest thing considering Boston, the city, is my actual home. Fate is strange that way.

Fate. Now I sound like him.

It was fate for us to meet, for things to happen the way they did. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother? Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me I wouldn't be good at it. No. No, that can't be it. Maybe it's the universe's way of trying to get Boston to change his mind? Too many maybes. Not enough answers.

I roll over again feeling my eyes sting. "Oh forget this." I throw my covers off of me and then flick on the light to the bedroom. I rummage around in my small dresser and fish out some jeans and a sweater. I quickly dress myself and then throw my hair up in a high ponytail. I toss my laptop in my backpack before heading out the door.

There's a coffeeshop off campus a little way that stays open around the clock Fridays and Saturdays. If I can't sleep then I figure I'll just embrace the insomnia and get a coffee while diving into some writing, maybe even a side project for my ethics class.

Is it ethical for a person to marry someone before disclosing a major health condition and the fact they don't want a family while knowing the other person does? — Questions I already know the answers to but hate thinking about.

The neon glow of the coffee shop's sign washes over as I open the door. I take a giant inhale, taking in the intoxicating smell of the different blends of coffee beans. After I place my order with the extremely peppy barista I go and find a table. I pop open my laptop and sit back, sipping the hot beverage as I stare at the blank word document.