when heaven and hell meet

twenty four

Saint

Rain.

I've never loved it. It was too wet. Too Cold. It wasn't as inviting as a clear sky on a sunny day. Rain was brooding and always seemed to affect my mood. But the way the raindrops sprinkled on her skin like diamonds, changed my perspective.

There was something about her and the rain that made my heart skip beats. I didn't know if she felt it too, but the way she had looked at me at that moment was surreal. Something shifted. My mind had gone blank all I could think about was me and her at that moment.

The rain continued to pour down loudly. We sat in my car while the radio played music and our seats reclined back. We both hadn't said or done anything for a while but there was one thing I wanted to do.

I wanted to kiss her so badly.

But I feared that if I kissed her now, there was no way I would stop.

I don't think she'd appreciate being fucked in the backseat of my car.

I was a coward. There were so many opportunities for me to do it but I just couldn't seem to take them. Either we were interrupted or one of us pulled away too quickly. It was as if the universe was preventing all possible chances for me to initiate it.

I wouldn't even take the opportunity. She was vulnerable right now and for me to take advantage of the situation would make me worse than I already was.

I was being extremely careful with her. I didn't want to push her too far since everything that we had done was a first for her. I prided myself on my self-control. But I was still human.

"My past self would hate me right now," she said softly.

Her words broke the unhinged silence in the car. I turned down the radio a bit and shifted my body to face her. Her hair was still drenched in rain and her clothes began to stick to her skin. The heater filled the car with warm air and she snuggled into the thick jacket I had given her.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean," she sighed. "I shouldn't be here with you."

My mouth fell and my stomach filled with an unpleasant feeling. I knew we weren't friends but I couldn't help but feel disappointed that I was the only one enjoying her company.

"But I want to be," she continued. "And that's what scares me. I can't even trust myself; especially around you."

Do you think you're the only one who can't trust yourself?

The car went quiet again.
But oddly enough I don't think we minded the silence between us. It happened often, but it was comfortable. I scrambled through my brain to quickly find a random topic to talk about. She said she needed distractions and my objective was to give her some.

"Charlotte keeps asking me if we're friends," I blurted out.

I closed my eyes for a second when I realized that was the best I could come up with. I silently prayed that she didn't think I was invalidating her previous statement.

"Does she now?" she laughed. "What do you tell her?"

I smiled when I heard her laugh and I scratched the back of my neck.

The concept of Luci and I being friends was a difficult one. The more I racked my brain trying to figure our "situation" out the more I realized that we were the farthest thing from "friends".

"I just say we're acquainted with each other. Not necessarily friends but friend-ly. I told her I don't think we could ever be friends."

She nodded and stretched out her body in her seat. I looked away to avoid my eyes from trailing along her wet skin.