This chapter is from an unknown P.O.V
There are some moments in life that I honestly regret the choices I made. I'd just look back and wonder what would've happened if I had made one different move... how badly would it change things?
But then I stopped to think about it rationally, and I realized I did what had to be done, or else the consequences would've been much worse... more people could've ended up dead and I did not want any more blood on my hands.
The guilt was another particular detail that I was forced to learn how to live with, there was just no way I would ever get rid of it. In fact, it only grew... as the years passed, it would become stronger and mix along with pain and frustration.
Humans are known for being extremely adaptable, we blend into our surroundings in order to survive... we all do it. Whether we want to please our group of friends, parents, or partners, or even when we get a new job or doing the most mundane things. We smiled and we are indirectly forced to be polite, and we somehow shaped our behavior to please those around us without even noticing.
This was a natural instinct to stay alive... to avoid conflict.
That also made it easier for us to lose ourselves, too... and it was safe to say I struggled to know who I really was after all this time. I would remember how things used to be and it just felt like a very distant dream.
I grabbed my phone for the hundredth time today, trying to make yet another failed call to the same numbers.
They wouldn't answer.
The last time I managed to get in touch with either of them, it was around the time I heard about a certain car crash... and now I had no idea what was going on, I was in the dark.
I couldn't ask Amber directly, though... she had no idea about the list or my plan, it was dangerous.
As much as we had talked before, I would never fully trust the FBI. They trusted me, though.
I had to make sure my plan B would be functional when the time came, and that's why I had spent years thinking about this and being way too careful.
But now things certainly weren't going according to my plan. I was supposed to have backup and help... we were supposed to have an arrangement, a truce you may call it. I couldn't simply personally interfere with this, but I was naive and very stupid to think this wouldn't go south. I made the mistake of trusting someone... and I should've learned the first time.
The worst of it all was not knowing what was happening. I didn't know if the list was successful, I didn't know if they were alive, and I didn't know what to do.
The FBI would probably make a move soon enough and I just had to find a way to fix this before they went down with no chance of saving themselves.
It was hard enough to depend on someone else, but it was all I could work with without breaking any clauses.
I was desperate and scared... we tended to make impulsive decisions when we were vulnerable.
"Call me back, please. Tell me what happened." I literally begged as soon as the call went to voicemail again. "I can't stay in the dark like this!"
I groaned in frustration, throwing my phone on the couch and only then remembering it could've broken if I had been more careless.
This simple apartment studio was the only thing I was used to seeing and it was driving me insane today... I always did the same things and kept the same routine just to be safe. It's what they told me to do.
Amber was the only unusual detail or surprise phone call I'd occasionally have to deal with, and I caught myself missing when she called more often.
This was a sign that the FBI was probably getting closer and closer to the perfect opportunity to strike and finally be done with this, which honestly terrified me at the same time.
They had to know the truth and prepare themselves, it was the only way to protect them. Because no one believed me when I tried saying they were innocent... so I had to help them.
I knew very well what it meant to be treated like a pawn... being used as a puppet to ensure some stupid facade. I had been treated like a fool for too long, that's why I had planned this. Because I just knew they were being fooled as well.
When you wanted something done right, you should do it yourself, and I really knew I was supposed to follow that instead of seeking help... I thought I could trust them after everything we had been through.
I helped them too... I saved them.
Why were they ignoring me?
I was getting so worried that my heart was racing nonstop, this wasn't good for my health at all. And I was about to do something very stupid, but I just couldn't sit and wait anymore, I'd waited too long.
When I asked Amber how things were, she just said 'the same'. That was the only information I had, but I had no idea what she meant by that.
I grabbed my laptop and I sat down on my couch, I had paced enough in this room and I already knew how many steps it took me from one corner to the other.
I had to search for flights, I never imagined I'd be doing this in my life.
Not only I was risking my own life and everything I had done, but I was risking their lives too.
But I would never forgive myself if something happened and I did nothing.
What if Desmond or Catherine found out the truth and that's why they weren't answering my calls? That meant I was alone once again, with no way to protect those who needed the most.
So I didn't think twice before buying the plane ticket.
I needed to go to New York.
I needed to make sure my son was safe... even if he thought I was dead.
