Cleo Horan
I had been parked outside my mother's home for about fifteen minutes now, overthinking about this very terrible idea of coming to this dinner tonight.
It was funny that I even thought I had another choice, I did not.
Harry and I had talked about this, especially since we were supposed to be playing along and pretending things were still the same. He was back at work and now here I was...
I couldn't stop overthinking about the list and trying to make some sense of it, at least I made myself come and that was enough to relax me a little among this chaos. But I was very thankful Harry decided to distract me with sex, it worked much better than anything else... even though my mood was terrible once again after I found out about the dinner.
Harry always gave me something good to think about when I was having a bad moment like this one right now, and I hated that I had to be forced back to reality after spending so much time with him... watching movies, listening to music, or even practicing.
I didn't give up on using guns again, my little pathetic episode gave me enough motivation to try again but I needed to recompose myself before I could do that. It was hard... it triggered something inside me that I hoped would be easier to be handled.
The only difference from the previous times was that I wasn't alone and having Harry with me during my failed attempt was good and bad.
Good because his company made me feel safer and he could understand my fear... he never pressured me and he was very kind.
Bad because he saw me being so fucking weak that I was ashamed. It was supposed to be easy... I tried fooling myself into thinking it was.
As much as he never made me feel weak about anything, it sucked. I wished he could distract me forever though... that we could just run away and fuck on every country we visited, never looking back.
Every idea I had in my head was impulsive, being alone in this car wasn't helping. I was even overthinking what Harry told me about us... That we weren't dating but we had something much better.
He was right, we hadn't even gone out on a date and it honestly wasn't my thing. It didn't seem to be his either, so it didn't bother me. We fucked and we spent time together... we talked openly about what we felt and what we thought...
But I had no idea what we were. Was he my boyfriend? Maybe society would call it dating, but it honestly felt much more important than that.
It was unique... like a unicorn.
I had my lighter in my hand as I kept playing with it, and the comparison made me smile at myself. I had to tell Harry about my overthinking rendezvous when I got him.
But now I had to get out of the car and go to my mother's house.
I could see Niall's car was already parked there and I took a very deep breath, adjusting the black turtle neck I was wearing before I grabbed my leather jacket, deciding to finally exit the car and have some courage. And of course, I was armed.
I didn't even know why I was afraid, but maybe the fact I didn't know what to expect tonight was contributing to that. The unknown was scary.
The front porch was getting closer and closer as I walked and the night was quiet, unlike my thoughts. I could hear the heels of my boots on the floor as I made my way to the front door, ringing the doorbell before I could change my mind and chicken out.
Harry was back at his place, he told me to call him if I needed anything at all... and that made me feel slightly better.
I mean, if he could face his father and act as if things were normal, I had to figure out a way to do the same. A fucking dinner was the last thing I had expected but here we go.
