Ours To Be (All Ours, #1)

Chapter 54

I remember a long period of time in my life where I wanted to die.

I must've thought about it a million times back then. What death would be like. If it would be peaceful. If it would even be anything. But I didn't just think about what death entailed for me. I thought about what my death would be like for others. I obviously knew my friends would be pretty devastated. My mom. My brother who fully depended on me. I remember wondering if it would shock my dad on such a level that he would stop drinking and be there for his family, or if it would make him spiral even more, make his drinking problem even worse.

I've played out every scenario in my head.

Except for the one where I survive.

I thought death was supposed to be quick. A flash and then you're gone. But I swear before everything went black, there was a moment, short seconds where I could feel, actually feel my body giving out. I was just lying there, so aware of the blood oozing over my head, onto my face. So aware of the worst pain I have ever experienced crackling through my ribs and limbs. I wanted to move. I wanted to get out and call an ambulance, but I couldn't do anything. It was like a lively spirit, a soul full of life, trapped inside a dead body. Then finally, the pain just became too much and everything just shut off. The only thing I can compare it to is the feeling you get in your sleep sometimes where you feel like you're falling.

I have been living my best life for the past few months. But just as good as it became overnight, it collapsed even faster. The process I'd made over this time just dust into thin air now.

Kayden had made everything so good, I forgot what the bad was like. I forgot how badly betrayal crushes your spirit. Most of all, I forgot what it was like to not want to feel anymore.

And as I look around the hospital room, all white and clean, only sound to be detected the monitors attached to my body, that's exactly what I want. To just go home, drown myself under the blankets on my bed with a fat blunt, and erase the last 24 hours from my memory.

If only it were that easy.

I want to move. I want to step out of this godawful bed that makes me feel restrained and get out of this just as awful building. How long have I even been in here?

The squeaky sound of the door being forced open, followed up with a gasp makes me crane my neck to see who just walked in.

''Oh my God. She's up. Get in here, she's up!''

Soyana.

''Bells,'' her already raspy voice cracks, roving closer with every word as she comes up to the bed. ''Oh, thank God.''

''Oh, my gosh.'' I hear Nara breathe out in a broken whisper.

Three different murmurs of oh my Gods and sniffles fill the room not even five seconds later.

Four faces I thought I'd never see again suddenly hove over my bed. Nara and Ivana on one side, and Soyan and Jenn on the other.

''Sweetie,'' Nara is already crying. The others look like death as well. Their eyes are so swollen and the circles under them are so dark. It looks like they haven't slept for weeks. If that wasn't already bad enough, they're still in the dresses I knew they were planning on wearing to the club on new year's.

I open my mouth to say something but nothing is able to come out. It's like I lost my voice. That and their distraught faces, so full of pain because of me makes my eyes prickle and my vision blurry with unshed tears.

''Don't cry,'' Ivana chokes out, running a finger under my eyes so gently, I barely feel it, catching the moisture. ''You're okay.''

''Fucking hell, Bells. You scared us.'' Jenn sniffles, outstretching her arm and running her hand through my hair. ''Don't ever do that again.''