CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

Hey, Death - by - _Twisted_Roses_

Reviewer: chaotic_naturx

BEFORE READING

When I first saw this cover, I was just amazed...and that's all I have to say.

Jk, jk...Everything from the woman to the sparkles to the smoky stuff at the bottom...It's just all masterfully blended. Especially the colors...It's hard to pull off a cover with so many colors, but it was done and it is gorgeous! One thing that I am unsure about on the cover is the subtitle. It doesn't really go with the cover. The words, the font, the placement, everything...Just look into changing it because it just looks so...out of place, y'know? Now, the blurb!!

This blurb tells me nothing about the story. I mean, sure, it's intriguing...But it has no oomph to back it up. A story isn't going to be read without proof that it's good. So, I suggest you make a real blurb with a real summary and real clues as to what happens in this book. After that, your exterior points will be finished! But, let's see how the interior ones are!

WHILE READING

Hey, Death - Dedication

Awww this is cuteeee!!! Grammatical errors, but I don't think that's very important for Dedications. Is it?

Chapter 1 - Out of the Window

Well, first of all, I would like to say that the little quote at the beginning really sets the mood. But, unfortunately, that mood is ruined by the abruptness at the beginning. This whole chapter seemed very blunt and it didn't really flow very well. I recommend describing their surroundings and what they look like and actually making the chapter flow. You wrote it as if it's just a series of events happening. It's not a story if it doesn't have descriptions that help it flow realistically.

There are a lot of grammar mistakes, mostly involving commas and punctuation, so I recommend you look over those. Now, for the plot, I'd say it's a good start, but it could be much, much, much better. Like, I wasn't really intrigued at all by this first chapter. !!SPOILER START!! I mean, sure! A guy dies and comes back to life right before the MC's eyes. But...there was no description. So, it didn't really get me thinking or surprise me at all. !!SPOILER OVER!! And, the way they talked was just kind of unnatural, so you gotta work on that. Like, a lot.

So, I guess, your lesson for this chapter is: Description is key.

Chapter 2 - Death's Purpose

Again, perfect beginning quote! Love it! But, again, it is completely ruined by the beginning. Try reading the last chapter and then reading this right after. It doesn't flow at all. A story is all about flow. You're writing every sentence so blankly that it makes me forget what's actually happening, who's back at her dorm, the tense thoughts that should be going through her head. But, there are no emotions shown. Just some slight annoyance at some parts, but annoyance should not be the main emotion in this chapter. Especially when it comes to Death's true purpose revealed at the end of this chapter.

Also, I noticed that I know essentially nothing about the MC except that her sister lives up to her parents' reputations, while she doesn't. That's all I know about her. It is sooooooooooooo important to introduce your characters in the first few chapters so that you can later get on with the plot. But, I've seen no development of that in these first two chapters, so maybe go back over these chapters and add in some pointers about the character. But, make sure they flow along with the story plot, yeah?

For grammar, it was better this time around, but your commas and punctuation still need some work!

For this chapter, your lesson is pretty clear: Readers should get to know the characters and their emotions within the first few chapters so the author doesn't have to worry about them not feeling sympathy towards them.