CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

The Girl Who Was Afraid by LucyAnnWrites

Reviewed by: CroodsGirl
Book Title: The Girl Who Was Afraid
Author: LucyAnnWrites

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The biggest issue I picked up with this story, especially with the first chapter, is that it's a whole lot of telling vs. showing. The reasons behind Cerise's fear of the outside world is not clear, so I believe you can work on this. I'm curious if she had a scary experience with the outside world that made her scared. If she did, then a prologue could come in handy. It could touch on briefly on why fear is her "constant companion". I would love to see some flashbacks of her early life that touch on her love for books and paintings. What I'm describing here is a plot hole that needs to be filled. Give us more background information on Cerise's fear.

You also need to be careful with too much description, as that can sometimes affect the "showing" over "telling" rule. When reading over your book, ask yourself, What paragraphs are truly necessary to the story and What paragraphs can be cut? You can cut back on a lot of the descriptions in the first few chapters and just as easily "show" Cerise's fear of the outside world, rather than telling us. As this is a common issue with new writers, do not be alarmed and just take some time to practice with the rule. Show emotions, actions, the setting, etc.

Speaking of setting, it wasn't really clear to me. I know the story takes place in London, but what does London look like during this time period? That's another thing that isn't clear. You tags say that the book is historical fiction, but what section of the historical timeline is it part of? If I could take a guess, maybe the 1800s? Writing historical fiction means doing a little extra work with research, so the storyline is believable for the time.

Your grammar is not bad, but it's not perfect, too. Of course, grammar is never perfect. Just be aware that there are a few run-on sentences that need attending and a few misplaced punctuation marks like dashes. I would advise you to re-read the rules of dashes one more time before you go back and edit your story. There were quite a few unnecessary ones in the piece, but there were also ones that were used correctly.

Finally, at times, the dialogue feels robotic. Try giving your characters more unique voices. For Cerise, I recommend sense of fear every time she speaks, which can be accomplished through hand gestures and facial expressions. I have a book called the Emotional Thesaurus. Its goal is to share different ways to showcase emotions in stories. I think something like this will do you good. I did not really sense a through personality with the uncle, so I think that can be played around with, too. Also, if I knew the time period the book takes place in, then I can go into detail about the correct dialect of the time, but again, I need to know the time period in order to do so.

Don't take these suggestions the wrong way. This is a very strong first draft! Cerise has the makings of a great female lead in the future, once she comes out of her shell and develops into a mature young woman. I really, really enjoy her so far. I just wish the others characters gave me the same excited taste as her. The story is a powerful one, as it touches on a very important life lesson. It reminds me of a quote I once read: "You cannot let fear take the joy out of life". That's almost verbatim to what Cerise's uncle told her. I cannot wait to join her on her journey on the London streets and see what happens. I know it's going to be amazing. Good luck as you continue to improve the story!