CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

Variants - by JokeWasOnMe

REVIEW DONE BY : DaYeon_EXO

Cover and Title :

The cover doesn't really tell us much about the story. Action generally calls for a bit more in the cover. Think of books by Lee Child. You can have simple action covers, but if you do you need to pay careful attention to what's in them.

The summary was a little short. It seemed more like part of a summary. You need to give the reader a sneak peek (without spoilers of course). They need to know what they're about to read. You could have started a summary or ended it with those three lines.

Prologue​ :

Okay so prologues . . . I'll admit, I'm not a fan of them. A prologue should ONLY be used if you need to explain key information that doesn't fit with the timeline of the plot. If it does not fit this, don't write a prologue.

Also, half the time prologue content can be explained through flashbacks and memories. They're pretty controversial among writers. It's probably best to steer clear.

Many readers will also skip prologues, because they're generally not all that helpful. This chapter didn't really need to be a prologue. It made reading chapter one confusing. Honestly, I'd scrap it and find a way to weave this information into your story. There are plenty of places to do it.

Revisit your opening line and the subsequent paragraphs. The first line needs to hook your reader and I didn't really feel hooked. The opening sequence felt like something that should have been in a summary.

Add some more description, make it original. So many stories start with similar opening lines. Try to make it unique.

There's no harm in drafting out heaps of first lines and then sending them to a friend and asking, "which makes you want to read on?" In fact, that's actually a really good idea.

Generally it's better to give the name or organisation in full, followed by the acronym. So just switch "the League of Advanced Compatents and Enterprise" with "LACE". Also, acronyms with the periods between them in my opinion are weird. It's a stylistic thing, so take this with a grain of salt. But the FBI is just the FBI. There aren't periods.

Also, is "compatents" a word? I don't think it is . . . Correct me if I'm wrong. Did you mean "combatants"? That's a word.

I love that things are explained. It's helpful for the reader, but you need to explain it in an interesting way. Your narrative is very matter-of-fact. It kinda sounds like you're giving character stats or have put heaps of bullet points into paragraphs.

Mix things up a little. Get rid of all your one or two sentence paragraphs. Half of those should just be one paragraph. One sentence or one word paragraphs are reserved for dramatic effect or emphasis. If you over use them, they're "incorrect" and lose their emphasis.

Plot is all right so far. It's a prologue, so there shouldn't be anything that's major for your plot and it's timeline. If it's major for the plot, it goes into an actual chapter.

Spelling :

"Bruteish" should be "brutish", "flip" should've been "flipped". "...as if she was", not "were". "Trainer", not "trainor". "Girl's", not "girls".

Please proof read. It's hard and we all mess up (I'm honestly pretty bad sometimes), but spelling is important. Some of these should have come up red underlined or autocorrect should've taken over. If you see a red line, don't ignore it.

Pay attention to the pacing. The action scene happens "within a few seconds", but the narration makes it feel more like a 30 minute thing. If it happens that quickly, you really only need to spend a paragraph on it.