CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

Objective - by ghost_ray

REVIEW DONE BY : AimForTheTop

Cover/title/summary :

The title "objective" really intrigues me. Your book is a fanfiction, so the characters are familiar to the readers, not just that but to me aswell. I do have a tiny complaint on the matter, i am not asking you to change the title but maybe try and clarify it in the summary category instead of giving personal info you could just throw in your bio.

The summary has to be a part of the book, in order for the readers to at least know what actions to expect, what world are they going into, the magical one or the high school one ?
Maybe one that hasn't been worked on before, that wasn't specified, thus could make a reader drop the book without putting much thought into it.

Finally the cover, i can tell it's a picture anyone can find online, no issues there. What keeps me thinking is the quote you placed,
"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet"
It took me about 2 minutes to clearly read this sentence, it wasn't really visible and doesn't match with the white font. There is a bit of a confusion with it too. So the readers know there will be love, but you never said it yourself in a clear abstract summary.

All points lead back to the same conclusion, a summary is crucial. You cannot simply overcome that, usually when someone is searching a book, the blurb is what attracts them, that or the cover. But in your case the cover resembles any average "Fairy Tail" anime cover, so the blurb is really your helper. Of course if you're having a hard time placing a summary, i would be glad to help you out with it.

One more thing, basic anime fan fictions, are very frequent on wattpad, so i would suggest adding a little bit more spice to the book, not the usual drama that makes one drop the book, but the addicting plot that makes one wanna know more.

Chapter 1 :

The start of the chapter is one i do not recommend. Since it's in the character's POV it would be better if she introduces herself instead of "as most of you already know" cause come on, none of us actually know. You can drop Lucy's POV and work on the 3rd/normal POV, i judge it easier. Let's say the book starts with a scene where our main protagonist "Lucy" is the boss of that writing department cause she graduated from uni and all that you mentioned, it's just that bashing info on the readers isn't a good move.

The phrase "someone bump with me" isn't correct in english, like the basic sentence should be "bumped into me" and then there has to be description cause you don't "feel" someone bump into you, that just happens when you're in a rush or the other person is, basically, it's just two people walking without paying much attention to their surroundings. Maybe just add something about the other person being in a rush and you'll be good.

I can see there is a bit of a messed up chronological order with the events. If Lucy and Levy bumped into each other, it would only make sense that the books Levy was holding would fall to the ground, and that's the first thing Lucy should notice, not after she sees her friend they have a nice chat she finally realizes.

I'm now halfway through the first chapter, and all i can say is books. There is such a big repetition of this word, i'd suggest pronouns maybe dodge using the same word twice.

I can tell by the lack of vocabulary that you are struggling with the structure of the sentences, for example you repeated the verb "took" at least 3 times in the same paragraph, and i believe that if someone is a hard worker in a writing industry and are going over their plot again, the book must be finished, which isn't the case here. The book Lucy's writing is still ongoing, so i believe you could say she was writing and didn't notice the time pass by.

On that note, i should let you know footsteps come one way, as in you hear them coming from one direction only, so there is no way Lucy heard footsteps  "all around her" that would be more of someone surrounded by people. I'd suggest changing it to "heading towards me" try emphasizing on the sound getting closer til it comes to a stop behind her.

There is a huge lack of emotion, this is a character's POV, what's more the main protagonist, i want to feel the seriousness/nervousness in the air when a news is being released, i want to feel that tension, meanwhile all i can tell is that you are making references to the original fairy tail story. If you're struggling with description of feelings, maybe add the actions that show them. Meaning if someone is nervous they can be trembling a little and other little motions that can show.

I also find it hard to believe that a writer actually directs the movie adaptation of their own book. I'd understand if they're present while people are filming, but for the writer to be a director it's a pretty big gap.

Chapter 2 :

I have a little comment on the generality of the fanfiction. I know it's a "fanfiction" therefore we already know what the characters look like, but it wouldn't hurt if you added a little much to the description. Like the looks, just to make it feel more realistic to be even more familiar with the world of this story.

I also need to point out, i didn't actually feel the tension between our two characters, it feels too unreal. My advice ? Add the feelings, make the actions more real, show me how much love at first sight strikes hard. Using the usual expressions won't make it special, you need to up your game on the vocabulary. Whenever a sentence is built on strong suitable structures one word would seem out of place and ruin the flow.

Paragraphes are practically inexistent, you should stick every three/four lines into a paragraph since you're still discussing the same events, just try to get rid of the repetitions and find a good way to tie the ideas, from there you should be fine !

Chapter 3 :

the dialogue that happened then seemed a bit forced, like they were reading a script or something like he never actually made a move on Lucy for her to call him cocky and full of himself, it doesn't seem you get into character easily, try picturing the situation from your own POV, try living it on your own, that's a good way to find the inspiration and write.

Plot :

I can tell the story's about making the "ships" sail, but it has a fun way to it. I like that this plot is actually different from the ones you usually find among fanfictions category, in the first two chapters it felt like you were just trying to make it an enjoyable story, but then you took notice of the flaws and worked on changing them. You should go with the plot of movie making version of the fairy tail world, it would interest the readers.

Settings and Locales :

That was the major plot whole. There was no description of the places they went to. For example when they went to the studio, i still have no idea what it looked like. The cafe ? We didn't quite see what it looked like. It would be easier for the readers if they could picture the settings, to have a better view of the actions. I do recommend you add more description of the surroundings and the appearances, even tho they are well-known.

Dialogue :

The dialogue seemed too forced, i can tell you've been having a hard time trying to make it look natural, you can add more emotions, for example try adding the tone of how the sentences were being said, (angrily, happily, etc..) instead of using the usual "she said while..." make it special so the reader appreciates it !

POV :

It was mainly Lucy's POV in the first chapter, i did point out the flaws earlier, these are notes you should take in consideration. But do not hesitate to add the emotions of someone in their POV. When you use the character's point of view, it's not only in order to tell their actions directly but also to keep up with their emotions and thoughts.

Overall :

The book's idea is good, i have rarely encountered such plot, but i do encourage you try and make it a more enjoyable experience to all the readers, you have a potential in writing and i can see it, just try and take advantage of it, don't hesitate and try to please everyone. Have a thought ? Write it down, fanfictions doesn't necessarily mean you have to make constant references to the original adaptation. I also advise you to take it one ship at a time and not the whole 5 ships at once, that'll just make it easier on you. Seeing that if you make it reality just from the beginning then the rest of the book will be the "cliche" romance you find in any other book. So my advice would be, keep it centered on the main ship.

Hope you weren't disappointed by your work !