CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

The Bet | Remus Lupin ff

Reviewer: queenieexxx

Author: itsISHU

'Lil note: When pointing out grammatical issues, I've given you "edited excerpts". They fix the error, but you might notice some difference in the wording. If there's a reason for it, I'll have mentioned it. Otherwise, it's simply because I write differently from you. There's absolutely no need to write exactly what I write, since my writing style is different from yours.

T I T L E:

Reading the blurb, I can see what relevance "The Bet" has to the story. I love the fact that it is direct and relates to the central conflict in the story. However, the title is very common, so I'd suggest you play around with it until you find something that suits you and is more unique.

However, the part after it ("// Remus Lupin ff") is very distracting and a big minus for me. It looks quite off beat. Having a short form in a title is a big no-no, as it may make the reader think the rest of the book will be like the short form -- not very well done. It would be better to rewrite it as "The Bet (A Remus Lupin Fanfiction)". Or, even better, include that part in the blurb instead.

C O V E R:

I have mixed feelings about this. On the plus side, the title and the author's name is clearly visible. However, the subtitle isn't very readable. Though the purple background and the image complement each other, they don't blend well, which seems odd. I'd recommend changing it. There are loads of good cover designers and shops on Wattpad, and I think they'd help you out if you face any trouble.

B L U R B:

You've done a great job identifying the central idea of your story, and focusing on that in the blurb. It isn't too long, and it's hooking, so great job!

However, there are several issues with the grammar and phrasing of the lines, which makes it difficult to read. Here's the first one:

Extract: [Athea Rose is a pureblood Hufflepuff, who has been hating Remus Lupin since her first year.]

This line is very awkwardly phrased, and it doesn't flow well, because there are too many glue words. (Glue words are unnecessary words that don't move the story forward. They're the connectives, so, are essential, but too many of them can make a line . . . well, gloopy.) I'd suggest trying to rephrase it. Or else, splitting it into two sentences won't be a bad idea either!

Extract: [And will the loosing person stay upto their word?]

Firstly, "loosing" should actually be "losing". These two words might look similar and sound exactly the same, but they have different meanings. "Loosing" means to set something free, whereas "losing" means to be defeated. Also, "upto" is not a word. The line could be better written as:

Edited extract: [Will the person who loses keep their word?]

The periods scattered throughout are unnecessary, and they distract from the content of the blurb. I'd suggest removing them.

Now, the excerpt of the book in the blurb. While it is engaging, there are several errors in them. I'll point them out.

The main mistake is with the punctuation in the dialogue. For example:

Excerpt: ["If that's the case Ms. Athea Rose, why not place a bet?", he challenged.]

There should be no comma after the closing quotation mark. Also, there should be a comma after "case", i.e.:

Edited excerpt: ["If that's the case, Ms. Athea Rose, why not place a bet?" he challenged.]

Further on.