CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

CASE 1132 by crowned_cherry3

REVIEW DONE BY: Greasy_Microwave

Now normally, I would give a thorough overall review but since you made a specific request I will get straight to the point, as not to waste your time.

So, first you asked how to make your story more captivating. Now I usually will look at this from several angles (your cover, blurb and first chapter).

Cover

On the whole your cover doesn't look too shabby. The background is pretty simplistic and gets the job done.

However, I'm not a big fan of the weird pink colour you used for the title and username. I would recommend using bright red, which not only would make it more captivating but also more visually appealing. In addition, you should move the username inwards a bit, as it is very hard to read right now.

Blurb

I think this is an area that you need to improve on.

You started the blurb off with some dialogue between two characters. Despite the dialogue being somewhat interesting, I am unsure of how many characters are talking and which characters said what. It created some confusion in the blurb, which is commonly frowned upon.

There are also some grammar issues in the dialogue. In the first sentence (i.e. "We have two suspects, how do you say it's her?"), the word "how" should be replaced with "why".

In the phrase "Sir.. But... What if she was framed", you used two periods, which is incorrect. I would recommend using a comma, in which case you would need to adjust the capitalisation accordingly. However, if you wanted to use an ellipsis, it should be three periods instead of two.

In the second part of the blurb, you gave a gist of the book.

The description seems rather bland and there are a variety of grammatical issues. I would recommend visiting the CLN Editing Shop as blurbs are a thing that a lot of people struggle with and I believe you can get some great advice from there.

The first chapter

The first chapter is off to a slow start but I do like the pacing of things. It doesn't feel rushed or forced in any way, which is great. I also love the rather humorous interaction between Dexter and Mr. Gregory and the special bond between Clariot and Dolohov. There are also a few repeated mistakes carried over from the dialogue portion of the blurb, such as the incorrect ellipsis, which can be fixed with a little bit of editing. Overall, I don't think that the first chapter has any major issues.

You also asked me how on to improve your description.

Now a good description doesn't have to be very flamboyant or use fancy vocabulary. Sometimes a few simple sentences can work as well if not better than a long paragraph that utilises a variety of literary devices.

However, a good description needs to be realistic, specific and immersive (sorry I couldn't think of another word ending in -ic). You need to make the reader feel as if they too, are part of the story.

Now this can be done with a variety of ways:

Firstly, you can incorporate the six senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, sound and surprise). Now I'm not sure you would go taste a dead body or put your ear up to it but the other senses can be used extensively.

I would mainly focus on sight as that's usually the main sense that humans rely on. So, you can describe the ghastly look of the corpse and go into detail about the wounds. You can also describe the cadaverous odour that the body emits and the uncanny coldness of the skin in addition to that.

Secondly, you could also use a variety of literary devices (I know I said that they aren't necessary but putting some in could really spice up your story). Similes and metaphors are great for description. You could also throw in a few recurring symbols. For example, the scalpel could represent something. Dolohov can even be a symbol- maybe to represent how screwed up the justice system really is.

Despite having some description that can be improved, I think that this story was enjoyable to read nonetheless and I can't wait to find out who the culprit is. Will it be some random person, or will they be closer to the main character than we think?