CLN's Seasonal Reviews (CLOSED)

An Encounter With The Past by thepositivevibe07

REVIEW DONE BY: AimForTheTop

Summary:

So we have Emma, our average teen if I may say, she is a senior and has a group of friends. She obviously enjoys their company since her life isn't that easy and she feels comfortable around them. However her life is bound to change once Noah joins her school and seems to be one of her acquaintances from her former school. Anyway this guy has a crush on her and she surely isn't glad to learn that because of the past they shared together.

Chap 1:

The beginning of this chapter is average. And by that I mean, you described the sunlight waking up a girl ; the main protagonist and it's her first day of school, I couldn't help but notice the repetition of ideas you have in only the first paragraph and the hardships you faced to put up with finding the right words.

For example :

We first have the issue of waking up, you said the sun rays woke up our charming protagonist, she blinks and turns her back to the sun just as her alarm goes off. But the girl was originally asleep right ? So how do you blink while being asleep, I can understand that you slightly open your eyes as the sunlight fills them, but blinking means your eyes were already open which implies you weren't asleep, which is not the case here.

You also said she'll be late for school and that this task is not her « priority list » which I'm pretty sure isn't a thing people have, you can have a wish list or a list that states your goals in life, so I think you just expressed yourself in a wrong way since « priority list » doesn't really fit in the sentence, and it weakens the meaning.

You did describe the clothes which is good, but there is no description of the girl herself, as in no facial features were described ( color of the eyes, the hair, maybe her height...) instead there is a photo, that states you being weak at the description of looks. Might wanna get back on that and maybe say she looked at herself in the mirror she was a mess and get to describing her.

We can see Emma's relationship with her dad ain't that good, and we then discover she has a brother. Little comment on that, if her father is drowned down in work and her mother is no longer a part of this world, then that means as the only girl in the family Emma should care for her brother and maybe look after him no matter his age which we didn't learn yet.

Also the father said « we'll be staying here » is he a mafia boss, maybe an ambassador or something like why do they keep moving around a lot ? That's been bothering me a little while reading.

Okay I gotta be honest the sentence « dying a death » doesn't make any sense. How do you die a death, you could die in pain or drown down in sorrow but as far as I'm concerned there is no such thing as « dying a death » you might wanna change that into a more accurate expression.

There is the fact that we learned nothing about Emma's brother. I mean it is her brother a goodbye before heading to school wouldn't hurt right ? Or at least his name...

The second part of this chapter starts out in a cliche way, people at school, I can't blame you for that, like what else than class can happen at school, however there are some mistakes you made while building the sentences and I'm having a hard time figuring out what you mean for example when you said « i met my other best friends merely in passing » that's grammatically wrong. I figured you met she barely had the time to any of them but that's not the right way to express it, you could say « i barely had the time to meet my besties i just glanced at them while passing through the hallways » you can also replace « among the lectures » by « between the lectures »

I really like that we got a description of Zach and Hailey's relationship, attraction is important when you wanna make a couple shine.

I like how you said in the form it's not LQBTQ+ but that Brandon is a guy, had a boyfriend and they broke up XD