Number One On The List

Self Assasination

Life was hard and death was easy and that's the sad fact of it all. Fed shit in life and feeding others bullshit in death about the life of the person in question. Truth was, even dying nobody cares about you. Your life was and will always end up being nothing other than meaningless. I knew it wasn't right to have hurt her as I had been but there was absolutely no way she would forgive me, even if I apologized. I had to make things right anyway. No matter the cost...

I saw her walk into her room and hit the bathroom and I knew she was washing me off of her body, clearing up anything of me on her. I shouldn't have let it bother me me much but I just couldn't help it. I wanted that girl, forever.  No matter the cost...

Sometimes I wondered if she felt as lonely as I did. As alone as I had. Was as depressed as I was. I could tell later that night that she hated me  because the curtains and blinds were closed and there was no light getting through anywhere. I could instantly smell the scent of a gun and knew what she was going to do.  I ran over to her house and broke the front door down and I knew I would probably have have do the same with the bedroom door and maybe the bathroom door too.

Before I could get too far up the stairs, the gun went off and I heard it thud against the floor and I knew when I smelled the blood that I had seriously fucked up. I continued to make my way to find Rhaven and it wasn't too long after I broke the bedroom door down that I found her, laying on the floor with her jaw half off her face and her brains were partially covering the walls behind her and the Smith & Wesson lay near her body covered in blood. Her blood.

I felt what I deemed to be heartache but I couldn't exactly explain the feeling of seeing Rhaven lay dead before me. It was as if all of my bad tendencies had finally caught up to me and the one person who I thought would have just ignored me, just stepped up to handle the evil I was. This was my fault.  I wasn't sure what to do to bring her back.

I knelt next to her body and as soon as I touched her face, she began to reform, as if nothing happened. It was.. Magical. Like something magical had shown up to fix my fuck-up. I could hear her voice inside my head saying,"If I said I'm afraid,  would you love me? If I showed my pain, would you love me.. The same?" I broke down crying because she was such an angel. What a sexy angel.

I kept hearing the whispers of her voice talking to me. "The stars light dies when it's misused . The cruel mistreatment of the situation is not true pain yet." I was determined to find out what that last part meant. I had to, my mind made me a prisoner when I went inside it. I could tell that she wouldn't want me here and so when I knew she was breathing again and safe, I left.

As soon as I got back inside of the house, Daemon questioned me and I broke and told him what happened to Rhaven. He warned me to stay away before it happened again. I knew he was eight but at the same time I had to see her regardless and that was the selfish part of myself speaking. I went to my room to shower and get in some new clothes and hopefully clear my heavy mind.

I could sense her in the shower too, crying endlessly.  I may have actually hated myself in that moment enough to have killed myself, if I knew how. The voice I heard whispered,"I celebrate my name with my pain, that's all I can ever be capable of doing." That shook me up a bit but not enough to faze me.  I had to give in and breakdown because of how fucking mad at myself I am. It should've been me, not her!

I knew it was stupid to do because my brother would be the ME in the situation and I can only imagine his reaction...

She continued to cry in the shower, and I knew quite quickly that she took the gun in there too...