Number One On The List

Part 8: Internal Self-harm/ Destruction of the Damned

Time was not a friend and I knew that things were only going to get worse because I hadn't gotten my mind out of that dark place. I had just gotten deeper down in the bitch. She began to freak out about people trying to get her mental help and it was just such a fight that I couldn't believe she held it for some time before she decided to give in and just go to the mental health facility.

Answered couldn't be given in this moment and I knew it probably never would be, but I didn't care. My guts were in such pain, my organs felt as if they were being torn to shreds by the millisecond. This was the internal self-harm and I wasn't going to stop it. It was probably what I deserved soon enough. Like an early karma type of thing. Pre-Karma.

I went back inside the house after everyone had gone. I went to my room to be alone. Daemon stayed sitting on the couch in the living room for hours. I had eventually come down and when I saw him, we started some conversations up. "You know, this one isn't out fault. Maybe Cassandra's was because we didn't see the sign that must've been there the whole time. We were probably too blind for that one but not this time. It was an accident. I mean, I know she meant it but it wasn't like that for us. We didn't want that to happen to Embrielle. We shouldn't have done anything different because we couldn't have a different outcome," I said.

He looked at me in disgust and said," You are such an asshole. We probably could've helped them both and I hate to say it but I helped her. Embrielle didn't die on my watch. I saved her! Saved her from dying. YOU sat on the freaking porch like an idiot gazing at the damn sky for hours. I cleaned up everything and called the cops and got her the help she needs. You did nothing. NOTHING. You didn't do anything." I ignored his remarks.

I knew he was trying to make me feel guilty and take all the blame here, but it wasn't all on me and it was the truth. We were both responsible after Cassandra died of her (technically since our Dad wasn't around). We shared equal blame for her suicide attempt. The next day at school, I spotted Wynrie in the hallway and took notice in her rather quickly. She caught my eye faster than most girls had. I know it was the whore in me talking but I didn't really care much.

Wynrie had been getting harassed by Brice during class and in passing time and Daemon was looking ready to hurt the motherfucker. I knew I'd have to beat him to getting her though, even if I don't take Brice out. And her foster brother, Zeb. He fucked with her one day and Daemon just snapped and got really aggressive with the fucker and he learned his lesson real fast. I had watched her go down into the basement and tried not to follow her. To take her blood and fill my throat with the glorious taste.

The need in me came out strong and I'm sure Daemon noticed it. I didn't know if I could control myself or not so I decided to head to the janitor's closet and take a moment to breathe and relax. The issues, the problems, we're getting worse and I wasn't sure how long I could continue to control them. I could feel myself hitting the breaking point, snapping....

Destruction of the Damned was upon us and we were all helpless to it. I knew things were going to get worse if I didn't stop them now and focus on the important things in my life. Try to focus on me and Daemon and Embrielle and say "Fuck everybody else". Hell, maybe even become like Ryder and start just having no strings attached with girls until I felt better. "The Flame God"had an illustrious career for being such a good person, a hero of sorts and I was considered "The Ice God" because of my heartless nature, a villain of sorts.

Daemon was nicknamed "The Flame God" and I was nicknamed "The Ice God" and those nicknames suited us very well. I wanted to piss Daemon off so I started to seek out Wynrie. I had watched her for a few days and took notice in the changes in her and began to wonder what was going on with her. It sort of worried me but I knew she was a big girl so she would be able to handle herself and if she couldn't she'd let someone know.

This was the dark spot in my life and I just decided to embrace the shit. Vadermath was such a heroic figure in this moment because he spoke the truth and was unable to lie because of the Autism and Demon he had. The poet had a point about how life was, truthfully. I felt like that night, something in me had changed for the better. I remember playing my acoustic guitar and sang lightly and don't really remember what else happened. I sang to Robert Pattinson's Never think and I could just FEEL everything in the music.

I embraced everything that came with it, the emotions and the vibe and I knew Daemon was listening to it as I went and he thought about how beautiful it was. How perfect it just fit into our lives in a weird way. The song echoed over the whole house and things just became different. New.