Number One On The List

Part 4: Time was coming

The time was coming, soon and it was not going to be all confetti and rainbows but blood and organs probably. The guts of the two of us. Another sleepless night for me was upon me as well and I became irritated with myself for letting the shit bother me and for having troubles with insomnia (the same thing that often plagued her). I knew coffee would be both of our best friends for the next few days or so, which did out my mind at some ease, but not by much.

There was light music going on in Daemon's bedroom and it filled the silent house to make the quietness disappear for a while. Make some sleepless nights rather sleep filled... Sometimes. Tonight for me, was NOT one of them, unfortunately. I understood her low self-esteem issues, but not sure about the rest of it. Like, did she love him? Could she love him? Could that be why she stays in contact with him and all that bullshit? The questions raced in my brain for hours and I watched as the sun began to come up, slowly and I dreaded the day ahead.

Fucking. Insomnia. The shit was toxic, like a toxic relationship between two people who didn't know when enough was really enough. The depression was going to set in and eventually take over and make this dark cloud gloom above and there was nothing anyone could do about it. I'm tired of fighting or having to fight my way through life because of someone else's decisions. Hell, even my own decisions are sometimes bad. I'll admit, the loneliness of not being able to confide in anybody makes things more self-destructive for me.

I'm not leaving my head until I find a plausible solution to my problem with loneliness, even if it killed me. The agitation became increasingly more frequent tonight with myself. I wanted to do the right thing for her and for me, but I knew it would cause more problems for the both of us so I was stuck at a fucking crossroads. I lay in bed listening to Megadeth's Holy wars... The punishment due and stuck in my thoughts once again, inside my damned head. I smoked weed to get my mind going with possibly ideas of what to do now or even to get my mind off the shit, but that failed.

I began to think about the cruel, sadistic shit I wanted to shut out since I was a kid. I felt the tears run down my cheeks and I just kept trucking on like nothing was happening inside. Some days I wished shit was back to how it was when it was good and others I wished it was so different from what it was. I wanted to pray so I did that, but inside of my head, not uttering a word aloud.  I feared the judgement of others when I'd pray so I did it silently every. single. time. The next song to come on was In my darkest hour and I knew it was a sign of something. Someone was trying to tell me something, but I didn't understand what.

The suicidal thoughts rushed into my mind like the wind blowing in the sky, so easy. It was so damned easy to slip into the darkness and it happened very rarely but when it did, shit got real BAD. The song that came after that was Rage against the machine's Settle for nothing and that song I knew the reason it played, my father. The emotions I felt when being abused by that fuck-sack. The constant torment mentally from him was a hell unlike any other I've come to know.

Everything I've known was something I didn't often show due to the severity of it all and for the sanity of others fragile little minds. The ashes in the wind were a sight to watch, but not to touch due to the falling apart habit. Bodies would become a rather soon-to-be filled sight in this town if certain people weren't careful with their words and actions. Cyrus wasn't shit but a pussy and Ryder was nothing but a hoe and bitch so neither worried me much when it came to fighting.

Rhaven knew the power both Ryder and I had when it came to fighting and I'm sure that was something she would've warned Cyrus about sooner or later, if she hadn't already.