Number One On The List

Part 11: Cold

The coldness of the Winter season had everyone shivering even with a heavy coat on inside the buildings. The most HATED time of year. Sweet Blasphemy by Black Veil Brides played in my earbuds before I left for school and I couldn't help but listen to the album We Stitch These Wounds the whole day, even at school. The band was helping me get through the depression of the season and of her. I didn't want to let myself get to that dark place as I often did this time of year and I was trying to keep myself going, no matter how hard life became. The song Moving On by Asking Alexandria was the theme of my life at the current moment and it just felt right to describe my feelings.

The line,"I've never been so torn up, in all of my life, I should have seen this coming, I've never felt so hopeless, than I do tonight, I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on" fit my current situation. My current situation with Rhaven and with my life in general. The next song, Black Veil Brides' Goodbye Agony also fit this moment too. I was trying to let go of someone who I was desperate to have a future for but I was looking life head on and admitting to myself that maybe I could use some help with my mental health. Maybe Daemon could be my ear and help me out.

Getting my feelings to the one person who truly did understand where I was at, would make a possible difference. Youth And Whiskey by Black Veil Brides also spoke out to me because I had been drinking a helluva lot of Whiskey lately and I was still so youthful, so young. I was also smoking cigarettes like a crazy person. Like a motherfucking addict. And I was one. Daemon became worried about my mental health and physical health due to the drinking and smoking I had been doing and it was understandable.

I was also in the "Emo Phase" because I was also vibing with Hollywood Undead too. I'd bust out singing Asking Alexandria and Black Veil Brides and Hollywood Undead in school and wherever I was because that's what I felt at the noment. Bitches by Hollywood Undead was a thene song by them that was my life story and really all of their songs as well as the others mentioned. It was just a VIBE. I needed to make myself feel better and the jusic I was bouncing between was what was my coping skill in the current moment.

Talking to Daemon also helped too. The chill hit my bones and gave them goosebumps on top of fucking goosebumps. It made my stomach queeze up a bit. I felt like the song of Rhaven's life was Coffin by Black Veil Brides because of the line, "I don't owe you anything, you'll only die a dream forgotten". The meaning hitting deep for the way she was always a lone wolf and NOT by choice. The sad fact of the matter was, we only ever had ourselves at the end of the day and when we had one another, it completed our lives a bit.

I wanted to be that for her every second of everyday, but I knew I couldn't unless she made it crystal clear that it's what she wanted. 100% what she wanted, no doubts. After school that day, I heard a girl singing and it came from near the riverside area so my curiosity began to stir and I followed it. Rhaven was singing Gangsta by New Years Day and she nailed every part that Ashley Costello sang in that song beautifully. The emotions were felt with every word she sang along with. I knew that she needed THAT type of guy and I wasn't sure it was me. I wasn't even sure if it was Ryder either.

Probably him over me though when it came to that lifestyle. He was the "thug", the "gangster" and I was just like "the boy next door", "the country boy".  That was fine with me because I was passionate and he was aggressive when it came to making love. He fucked and I MADE love. The difference showed. She wanted the best of both worlds though and thays why she blunced between us and I understood that, but there had to come a time when she had to decide which she wanted MORE. Aggression or Passion. Love or Lust. Good or Bad.

She noticed me and it didn't stop her from continuing to sing the song. Her fear wasn't there with me like it was with so many others. I wasn't sure if she just felt that comfortable with me or what it was. I didn't really care too much because it was something she enjoyed to do and she got better with the practice (even though she didn't really need any). When she was done singing, I began to sing Pierce The Veil's Caraphemelia and she knew it was towards her. She knew because the biggest clue was the line, "Talking to my momma 'bout this little girl fromt Texas" and it was because she had mentioned to me at one point about coming from Texas.

Her hometown was in Texas and she always had a part of herself back there and it was beautiful to me. She was beautiful to me. That song described our relationship perfectly. Being "Emo" for us was a bond we shared because we both grew up with that kind of music pretty much saving our lives. We both had such similar music tastes that it seemed like maybe we weren't right for each other because of that. We listened to Lil Peep and Lil Skies and Juice WRLD and Trippie Redd and Post Malone and so many other artists that it was the music that got us through the DARK times, DARKEST times.

I just stood a few feet away from where she sat on the bench and was vibing to the music. She did notice from the corner of her eyes that I was there, but it didn't bother her any. She sang Lil Peep's October and it was beautiful to hear that sweet voice hit every note. Her voice reminded me so much of Wynrie's, especially when she sang. It was the sweetness of it, so angelic sounding. Like the angels declareing some shit.

I began to sing Kodak Black's Institution to her and she couldn't help but watch me sing it to her. I knew she was feeling EXACTLY like Juice WRLD's Conversations right now and I understood that. "I'm not really up for conversations" was her current vibe and I didn't let it bother me. When I finished singing, I decided to head home and leave her alone to think and let her feelings out in peace. The perfect song that fit our relationship was Juice WRLD's Hear Me Calling because of the line, "Not a fighter, a lover" was us. She couldn't fight and I could and she was more of a lover anyway conpared to me. The physical sickness hit her if she fought so she tried not to (ehicj was understandable).

I chose to be the fighter anyway because I was protective and she wasn't like that. She was.. JUST a lover type of person. I loved that about her. He hadn't come back quite yet and I was glad, but I knew it wouldn't be much longer before he WAS back.