**COMPLETED**
"You have a weird look on your face," I said and his frown deepened.
"I do not," he closed his spell book and ran a hand through his shaggy hair.
"Hmm," I hummed under my breath as I smoothed the crease between his brow. He grabbed my...
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Ibhans POV
Connect with myself? I had no idea what that meant. I was not disconnected with myself, if my mother's visit proved anything it was that I had a lot of feelings. Maybe I wasn't feeling them correctly. How was I supposed to change the way I felt things?
The endless spiral of questions flitted through my head for the next few day, and I grumbled and groaned about it to Feathers, who remained perfectly indifferent. My test would take place in three days, and I was exhausted. I had physically trained my body as much as I could, and now I needed to let it rest while I focused on my mind. Shadow magic is taxing on the psyche because of life's natural aversion to the darkness. But once I was fully fledged and earned my shadow marks, it would be different. I had heard people describe what that first moment felt like, commanding shadows after their initiation. They said it was as easy as pouring water but more exhilarating than any electricity could be.
I sighed as I stepped out of a hot shower and headed down to the living room. Throwing my towel in the laundry basket I crossed my legs and sat on the rug. It had been a gift from an old friend, someone who I might have considered a friend at one point. It was a deep brown colour, the faux fur welcoming, and I closed my eyes.
"Connect with yourself," I murmured softly as I folded my hands in my lap. I knew how I felt. I was angry at the world for the cards I had been dealt. And I was sad, almost unbearably so. Every time a thought of her flitted through my mind I ground my teeth and squashed it. Feathers chirped noisily and sat in my lap, pecking at my chin.
"What is it now?" I asked him as he looked up at me with his beady eyes, "what do you need?" Of course, the bird said nothing, but he stayed in my lap, watching me intently, almost accusingly.
"Feathers," I stroked the top of his gently and he cooed before flapping his wings, batting my hand away. "What is it?!" I asked and he flew from my lap. He settled on my spell book, and I huffed and reached for it. "What?" I asked him, pointedly flipping through the book. He settled on my lap and stared down at the page I had stopped on, looking at it like he understood it. I nudged his head aside and looked down at the drawings.
They were flowers, drawn separately and then sketched in little bunches, the ones I had seen in the open fields at the Limeacre pack. The ones Kyda had been looking at. I slammed the book shut and tossed it aside and Feather trilled loudly, spreading his wings as he hopped closer to me.
"Look, bird, I don't know what you want from me!" I said to him, and he flew back over to the book. "Feathers so help me, get off of that book I do not need a reminder of her right now. He stopped and looked at me, head cocked to the side. Your power comes from a place of anger.
"Oh," I took a deep breath as I realised what he was showing me. Anger. I let it fuel me, thoroughly and recklessly. The little crow nested in my lap, content with his job well done and I sighed, stroking my fingers down his back. "You couldn't just say something?" I asked, bitter that the bird had got there before me.
"Okay then, let's do this," I said, and I closed my eyes again. "Kyda," I said, the name falling softly from my lips, like I was afraid to speak to her into existence.
I took in a slow breath as an ache pulsed in my chest. Feathers nuzzled against the palm of my hand, and I accepted his comfort as I pushed my mind to see her face. Her face was soft and rounded despite the muscle the rest of her body was taut with. Large eyes, a brown deeper than pools of honey. Her hair, black and kinky, always pulled back from her face.
I took in a shuddering breath, my insides twisting. Keep going. I stepped back from the image of her face. She was muscled, but not bulky, and she stood as tall as I did. Then there was her aura, that brilliant, vibrant green.
"Shit," I hissed, my eyes flying open as a sharp pain shot through my chest. Feathers skittered away in alarm as I rubbed at my chest. I filled my lungs with air and closed my eyes, trying once again. But again, like I was running into a trap, a sharp pain hit me as I pictured her, standing before me, and smiling, her aura shimmering. I yelled in pain, slamming my fist into the floor. The shadows in the room flickered, spiking in size with my temper.
I lay down on my back and looked up at the ceiling. I had to shift the anger away. I needed to be sustainable. I needed to be better. I pictured her again and this time grit my teeth as the pain came. I reached out for her, and her image took my hand. I still remembered how it felt to hold her hand for those few minutes. It was warm, her skin velveteen, but you could feel her strength in her grip. My own chest felt tight with pain, but I pushed through it.
"I'm not angry at you," I murmured as her image smiled at me as she pulled me along, "I'm not." The small quirk of her eyebrow told me she didn't believe me. I huffed and rubbed at my chest with my free hand. "You imprinted on me," I said, and for a moment, the vision turned sad, and I panicked pulling her closer. I froze, laying there on the ground with my hand outstretched as I realized what I was letting the anger mask.
I wasn't angry with Kyda. I missed her. She was my opposite in almost every way. She was bright, and funny, she smiled all the time, she was so full of life. That was why she was my Light. She balanced me, completed me. I had already seen the effects of being without my Light, and if all the old tales were right it would only get worse the more I tried to push her away.
"I want you closer," I told her vision. Her smile reappeared and she stepped closer. "No, physically," I said, and I let go of the vision, opening my eyes. The tug in my heart was strong as ever but it didn't make me angry anymore. I was mourning, yearning, and wanting. But there was also hope. I knew where she was, I knew how to get to her, and I knew that I had to risk it all once more to find her, I had to give it one more shot.
"Feathers," I called to the crow who came and settled on my chest, "you're a lot smarter than I give you credit for, you know that?" I told him and he cawed loudly, puffing out his chest.
"First order of business," I told him as I sat up, "if we ace the initiation exam. Then we go and get Kyda."
